The Candid Interlocutions Exploration
by QueenBeeMaja
Summary: What happens between Sheldon and Amy while he is on his journey to find himself? This is a story about them finding each other while being miles apart.
1. Chapter 1

**Authors note: **After that unexpected finale I really feel that we've entered the "Anything Can Happen Summer" and I just have no clue where we'll go from there when season 8 starts. But I have hopes. So to help myself to get over the next VERY long months I thought it would be fun to make up my own story about what could happen between Amy and Sheldon during his absence. Which is some serious talking about the issues they have been keeping to sweep under the rug.

I try to keep them in character and I do hope you enjoy it.

Reviews and constructive criticism are of course welcomed. This is my first attempt in fan fiction and above my shortcomings in writing, English is not my native language. So please be forbearing. Thank you very much!

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing. Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady, etc. own everything.

* * *

**CHAPTER 1**

**DAY 7**

Amy is living in a strange dizzy state for a week now. She still couldn't believe that Sheldon was really gone. More then once she thought, that it must be some weird dream that she's stuck in. In 'real' life, this would never have happened. It's impossible to imagine that her Sheldon would ever do something so rash, so impulsive, so _cruel_. But he did: He got on a train, without saying _anything_ and left. Just _left_.

After that outbreak when she kept hitting Leonard with a pillow for letting Sheldon go, she went basically numb. She spoke to Sheldon just once afterwards and he was not himself. She could hear it in his depressed voice. He just called to check in again and basically hung up on her when she started to ask him further questions. She just wanted to talk to him for a while, but instead she was left again, feeling horrible. The most unsettling part was the realization that Sheldon won't come back soon. Somehow she was sure for the first two days, that he would return any minute. That doubtlessly there will be something that will freak him out and make him run back home as fast as he can. A strange noise on the train, a creepy person at night, a spider, dirty restrooms, _anything_.

But he didn't and since then... silence. Amy doesn't even consider calling him. She knows that he doesn't want to speak to her, otherwise he would have called himself. She receives daily texts or emails though. Nothing of importance, just short updates that he's alright and where he is. At least, he hasn't forgotten about her completely. It's a good sign, isn't it?

So Amy figures that all she can do is to keep trying to not fall apart all together. She gets up in the morning, goes to work, returns home, eats a little, retires to bed, can't sleep.

She's ignoring Penny and Bernadette because she really doesn't want to to see or speak to them. They're just too happy to handle right now. She knows that she should feel bad about this, but she just can't bring herself to do so. What pains her the most is the awareness that in _no_ time, only after a few days, she already started to feel like she used to before she met Sheldon. Lonely.

But somewhere, deep deep inside of her, she doesn't give up hope that he will call her again and that he will come back to her one day...

* * *

**DAY 9**

And then after another day of only going through the motions, when she just arrived from work and settled down on her couch to rest a little, her phone finally rings and she sees Sheldon's caller ID. She takes a deep breath and kicks herself out of the stupor. She needs to be herself, she knows that. Otherwise it would unsettle him too much and then it might be really over for good. So before picking up she masters to put on a fake smile and when she speaks it's in her usual cheery tone.

"Hello Sheldon. How are you?"

"Hello Amy. I'm alright, thanks. And you?"

"Also alright. Thank you for your texts and emails. Where are you?"

"Just somewhere. I'll just 'go with the flow', as they say. And I don't really care."

His voice is distressing. She never heard him sound so... _hopeless_ before. It's seems to be even worse than a week ago.

"Sheldon? You don't sound so good. Did something happen?"

"No... Except that I hate my life. NOTHING is good anymore..."

"Sheldon. Please. You don't mean that, do you?"

"Of course I do. Do I have to remind you of all the horrible things I had to deal with lately? Beginning with the embarrassment when I thought I discovered the new element ... Finding my mother having intercourse with some guy in the LIVING ROOM of all places... Arthur's death..."

"Sheldon, I know..."

"The burning down of the comic book store... Leonard's moving out... AND all of that combined isn't even half as bad as the realization that I have WASTED my whole life with an unprovable theory... So yes, I mean it when I say 'I HATE MY LIFE!'"

Amy can't hold it anymore. His rant is so full of agony and desperation, she just starts to sob. She hears him inhaling sharply. He hates it when she cries.

"Amy. Why are _you_ crying now? _Your_ life is still perfectly in order. _You_ don't have to question everything that you thought to be true for your whole life. _So please stop it._"

"I am sorry. I just feel bad for you. I am crying for _you_. Because I care about ... your wellbeing."

"...Yes, I know that..."

"And furthermore, it is not easy for me to deal with the fact, that my boyfriend just left me without even saying goodbye. Why did you do that? Did you do that on purpose or did you just forget me?"

"I don't forget anything. I have an eidet-"

"That's _not_ what I meant. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't tell anyone. I just wanted to leave as soon as possible and I knew that you would have tried to stop me."

"I might have understood..."

"I doubt that. You were already busy planning to cohabit with me..."

Amy is dumbfounded for a moment. She can't believe that this is the reason for this miserable situation. Could it all be her fault? For trying to get him to live with her? Just because she doesn't want to be alone anymore? Was she selfish? The way he said it was exactly like the day he left. When he _ridiculed _herfor her suggestion. The memory of this awakens something in Amy... It's... _anger_. This _cannot_ be true. This is _not_ her fault and above all, _he_ is wrong for putting the blame on her. Amy dries the tears that have stopped streaming down her cheek and inhales deeply before she retorts:

"I wasn't and I am not. I was just suggesting that _if_ you don't like living alone, _instead_ of going through the ordeal to find a new suitable roommate, that I could move in."

"I don't believe that. You're thinking about that since last year when Leonard and I had the big fight and he wanted to move in with Penny the first time... You also mentioned it again just a few months ago, after Leonard bought the table."

"Well, if that is _indeed_ the reason you left, I can _assure_ you, that we won't have to speak about that EVER again. _I definitely don't want to live with you anymore."_

"I don't believe that either."

Sheldon is so angry, so aggressive, he just won't calm down. But Amy wonders, if this really has anything to with her or if she is just the punching bag for his rage... Again.

"Sheldon... Did you really leave because of what I said?"

"...No. I left because I couldn't be in a place where everything reminds me of the failure that my life has become."

"So, you're not breaking up?"

"Why would you think that?"

"Because just a few moments ago, you said that _nothing_ in your life is good anymore. That includes our relationship, doesn't it?"

Amy waits expectantly for his answer. She suddenly feels sick. Her heart drops to her stomach as it starts to beat alarmingly fast and she needs to close her eyes. _This might be it. _

However, he doesn't say anything and she just hears him breathing. She doesn't know how long this deafening silence lasts but after what feels like hours, she can't bear it any longer:

"Sheldon?"

"Please stop interrogating me. I can't take any more of this."

"Ok... But if you actually want to terminate the relationship-"

"Amy. _Please_..."

"... just let me say this. Then I would prefer it if you would do it _now_ or at least soon. I don't want to keep waiting for you just to get dumped."

"I don't want to break up with you."

THANK GOD, is all Amy can think in this moment of relief and she immediately feels a lot better. As little hope she could find in his daily communication, she also knew, that there's a good chance that he was only doing it because it's in the Relationship Agreement and that it wasn't a sign at all that he still wants to be with her. But now she gave him the opportunity to get out of the relationship and he didn't take it. Although, as glad as _she_ feels right now, Sheldon is still depressed and she really wants to make him feel better. Isn't that her job as his girlfriend? So she decides to tell him something that has been on the back of her mind since his departure, something that she didn't want to acknowledge at all seeing that it's the cause of her experiencing the worst week of her life.

"Sheldon. I want you to know that I am proud of you."

"You are? _Why?"_

"Because not that long ago, you would have locked yourself in your room and your mother would have had to come all the way from Texas to make you feel better..."

"You make me sound like-."

"_But_ _now_, you left all by _yourself_ to deal with your problems. That is quite grown up. And even more so, it's _brave_... And adventurous. I don't think that I could have done that."

"Well, _thank you,_ Amy. It is _indeed_ quite the adventure... I should be proud of myself too."

"You should. So you see, there _is_ something good in your life."

"I guess..."

"Are you feeling a little better?"

"Yes, in fact I do. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"I should really go now. I am suddenly hungry."

"Ok. Goodbye Sheldon."

"Goodbye Amy."


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER 2**

**DAY 10**

While sitting in a diner near by the station, eating lunch and waiting for the departure of his next train, Sheldon thinks about Amy and their conversation the day before. Afterwards he _actually_ felt better... at least a little bit. He's gone now for over a week and mostly he's just sad. Even devasted. Never before in his life did he feel so utterly dispirited. But what Amy said at the end of the conversation about being _proud_ of him... It was something to hold on... silver lining.

When Sheldon left Pasadena he just took the first train that would get him out of there. He had no plan whatsoever. He thought about going home to Texas but then decided against it. Somehow he knew that his mother couldn't help him in this situation and part of him didn't want her to. He wanted to sort this out by himself. To be a grown man who doesn't need his mommy as soon things got bad. Besides, he wasn't sure if he had the strength to face the 'living room', not to mention the 'man' himself after that unfortunate encounter a few months back.

Since then he hopped on trains, kept staring at the passing landscapes and waited for the solution to all his problems to appear. So he could return home, leave this anarchical existence behind and finally start to reconstruct his perfectly controlled life. Considering his superior mind he estimated that he would need a week to master a plan. Worst case: two weeks. But the first week passed and _nothing_ came up so far. The _disappointment_ about this is almost as devastating as the reasons he left in the first place. And now he doesn't even have faith in his brain anymore.

Yet now, after speaking with Amy, things started to look a little _brighter_. Naturally, Sheldon never would say it out loud, but to him her voice has a soothing quality. Well, if she's not crying that is. He knows he should feel bad about making her so miserable. He knows the way he treated her was simply wrong and that he should apologize. More than once probably. But he doesn't want to. She _is_ after all part of the problems that he has to deal with.

Nonetheless, he has decided, since it helps to lighten his mood, he will call her more often from now on. In fact, just the thought of hearing her pleasant voice makes him take out his phone to call her... and is instantly disappointed when it goes straight to her voicemail:

"Hello Amy. You're probably still at work. Even though that is no excuse for not answering your phone... Anyway, I am just calling to check in. My train is leaving soon and I don't know how the reception will be in there. I'll try to call you tomorrow again or write an email... So maybe you want to keep your phone close."

* * *

**DAY 11**

Sheldon is starting to feel annoyed by Amy. Two days without getting her on the phone! Isn't she _supposed_ to be supportive as his girlfriend? Isn't it her _duty_ to make him feel better? What is she doing anyway that's _more_ important than answering her boyfriend calls? Shouldn't she _help_ him solving his problems and _not_ add more hitches? Why isn't she at least texting or sending an email? _What the hell is going on here?!_

As much as he tries, these thoughts just won't leave his mind. Sheldon gets more and more fidgety and irritated as the day goes by and he hears nothing from Amy. When he finally lies down on the bed in the cheap motel room he booked for the night, he is _fuming_. And on top of it all, he took a few trains without checking where it will lead him in the end and so he managed to get himself stuck in a small village _far_ away from civilization. So this is what one gets when one tries to live a life even without a minimum of planning ahead, he thinks derisively. When, way past midnight, he finally drifts off to sleep, the last conclusion his mind can process is, that things couldn't possibly get any worse. The brilliant Dr. Sheldon Cooper has hit rock bottom.

* * *

**DAY 12**

When Sheldon wakes up, he's feeling like hell. He stays in bed and stares at the ceiling, trying to ignore the bedbugs and all the other creepy crawlies that surely occupy this shabby place. But then he discovers that he can't even muster enough strength to freak out about that. He moans in frustration and just closes his eyes. _What is happening to him?_

He hasn't eaten enough yesterday and his stomach starts to make grumbling noises. Yet he doesn't care. He doesn't want to get up and face whatever horrible things the world surely has to offer today. Why even bother?

He _despises_ nature, when after another hour or so he can't ignore it anymore. He forces himself out of bed and reluctantly takes a shower without touching to much, but then he reminds himself that he probably already caught every germ that pollutes this place. He moans some more and the frustration turns into anger when he starts thinking about Amy again. She still hasn't called or texted. _How dare she?!_

Sheldon checks out of the deadly trap and goes to the train station that really doesn't deserve to be called that. There is only one small diner and he orders some breakfast or, more appropriately for this time of the day, lunch. By then he has decided not to call Amy again. If she wants to talk, _she_ can call.

After satisfying his stomach, he goes over the train schedule that hasn't been updated since way back sometime in the last century and he is even _more_ disgruntled when he sees that he's going to be stuck there until the evening.

Not knowing what else to do Sheldon starts wandering around. But the place is so small that after an hour he's back at the station. Now completely disheartened, he lets himself fall to a bench. He closes his eyes in an attempt to hold the tears back that are about to burst. At this point, he might _never_ stop.

He doesn't know how long he's been like that when his phone rings. For a split second he considers not answering... But then he can't help himself and picks up:

"Hello Amy."

"Hi Sheldon. Sorry I missed your calls. Things have been busy at work and I haven't seen that I have to recharge my phone. But how are _you_? Where are you?"

Isn't it just _splendid_ that things at her job are going so well that she doesn't even have time to answer her phone or to check if it's even charged? Isn't it just _grand_, that her professional life is all the way on track leading her to THE prize, so that she doesn't even have a moment to call her _boyfriend_ back? One would assume that a good girlfriend would _care_ _enough_ to make sure that she wouldn't miss his calls in a crisis like this...

While these thoughts invade Sheldon's mind, he starts to become aware of something that he never experienced before. He's not only completely lost but even more so, he's ultimately _alone_. It's a depressing realization. He used to love being alone, only listening to his own brilliant ideas. Others, even his friends, were nuisances, disturbing the flow of ingenious thoughts that surely would discover _any_ secret in the universe. Yet now, where even his mind has shown itself to be unreliable, being on his own doesn't make him feel content, it makes him feel lonely. And _angry_.

"I'm _stuck_ at some remote train station in the middle of _nowhere_. I have over six hours to kill before the next train leaves and there is NOTHING here to do or to see. Just sitting staring at some trees and thinking."

"Well, that's good isn't it? I mean, isn't that the whole point of your trip? Finding possible solutions..."

"Amy. My life right now is the _definition_ of a disaster. I REALLY don't need _you_ or anyone else to tell _me _what to do or what to think. If I would, I could've just stayed home."

"Ok, Sheldon. No need to get upset. I was just trying to help."

"You can't help me... _No one can_... Bye."

"Shel-"

* * *

**DAY 16**

Sheldon finally found his way back to the modern world and booked a room in a neat hotel. He planned to stay there for a few days while he can gather some strength again. At some point during the last days, he realized that he's frightingly close to giving up all together. _That_ scared him tremendously and it was finally the turning point. He made a plan at least for the upcoming week and decided to start concentrating on the small basic things. Make sure to always have a clean place to stay, buy fresh clothes, eat regularly and only healthy nutrition.

He thought about Amy a lot and decided that ignoring her is not an option anymore. He refused to answer her calls since the last time they spoke. Or the last time he _yelled_ at her, to be precise. Of course he wrote her every day. But only because it's stipulated in their Relationship Agreement and never nothing more than that he's alive. At first, he didn't even wanted to do that. Strangely however, he discovered that he couldn't bring himself to cut all ties with her.

Naturally, Sheldon doesn't want to, but he misses her. In honest moments, that aren't so rare these days, he acknowledges that. Not only her voice but _her _and he wishes he could just go back home to see her. But then he starts to remember why he left in the first place. Not because of her. Well, not _only_ because of her, mostly because of all the other things that drove him to abandoning his life. And he knows that he isn't ready, not even _close_, to go back.

Now, after having finally gotten a good night sleep after what felt forever, Sheldon gets up and showers and leaves the hotel to find a place for breakfast. It's then he decides that it's time to call Amy again. He is actually quite nervous when he dials her number but also anticipating to hear her again. But it seems that Sheldon is not having any luck lately and he finds himself instantly discouraged when he hears her voicemail message instead. He fights the impulse to hang up and leaves a message:

"Amy. Hi... I just wanted to check in. Did you get my daily texts? Call me back."

* * *

**DAY 17**

The next day, when Amy hasn't call him back, Sheldon begins to feel unsettled. _Again_. He's also very tired. _Again_. He lied awake almost the whole night and kept thinking that it wasn't like Amy at all not to respond. He knew that nothing bad happened to her, because she _did _text him every day. But he finds the thought that she might be doing that only because she's bound by their agreement very unnerving. That he did _exactly_ the same doesn't really matter to him, because he knows that it doesn't mean that he wants to leave her. He was just angry. But what if _she_ wants to leave _him_? _Could that be? _He _was_ pretty mean to her when they last spoke... Maybe he should apologize after all?

When he wakes up after only a few hours of sleep he feels afraid. He instantly takes out his phone and _again_ is only able to leave a message:

"Good morning, Amy. I am sorry that I yelled at you the other day. I was just in a very bad mood. Please call me."

The day went by and still no word from Amy except for a short text wishing him a good morning and a lovely day. _Lovely? Really? _How, when she just wouldn't call him?

Sheldon just keeps wandering around the town and tries to keep himself busy. There was _no_ way that Amy would dump him, would there? She _loves_ him. He _knows_ it. Sure, she actually never said, but she didn't need to. He can see it in the way she looks at him. Sheldon wonders what Amy sees in his eyes when he looks at her. _No_, he doesn't want to think about that too much.

Finally he's back in his room and turns the TV on. They show an episode of Star Trek TNG on SyFy. At least _something_. While watching the show he suddenly comes to the conclusion that there must be a _perfectly_ reasonable cause for Amy's behavior. She must still be busy with her work. She said so the other day, didn't she? _Of course, that's it. _What a relief, Sheldon thinks. And then he just falls asleep, still fully dressed, not five minutes later.

* * *

**DAY 18**

Sheldon wakes up with a start from the ringing of his phone. He stumbles through the room to get to it in time. He sees Amy's caller ID and is promptly wide awake and extremely relieved.

"Good morning, Sheldon. Sorry that I missed your calls."

"Good morning to you too, Amy. I suppose you have been working late yesterday, since it was our usual Date Night. I am glad you used that extra time wisely."

"No. I was out with Penny and Bernadette."

"Oh."

_She can't be serious! _There he was being a mess and worried sick about her and she went out to a _bar_. Sheldon figures he should be pissed at her. But instead _another_ feeling creeps up. He can't really explain it, it's new. All he knows is that he doesn't like the idea of her in a bar where they serve alcohol.

"I hope Penny didn't force you to participate in her out of control drinking habbit."

"No. But I had a few drinks and we were having fun. I really needed that."

As long as _she_ is having fun..., Sheldon thinks derisively. He is quiet for a moment, wondering what's _really_ bugging him here.

"Sheldon?"

"You should be careful. You know you behave strangely under the influence."

"What do you mean?"

"It's just... the first time... you lured me into your home and kissed me."

"I _lured_ you home?!"

"Yes, with Yoohoo. Because it's really hard to say 'no' to that. And the other time, I had to pick you up in a parking lot, where you wanted to drag me into a cheap and most certainly dirty motel to 'have my way with you'."

"Ok, ok._ I get it._ But you never said anything before about me drinking on Girls Night. Why now?"

What should he answer? _He_ doesn't even know why he minds about her going out with the girls all of a sudden. Or does he? Sheldon just says nothing and hopes she will let it go. But _of course, _he's not that lucky:

"Sheldon, are you going to answer that?"

"Well, if you _must_ know. I just don't want you to walk around inebriated doing something you might regret."

"Like kissing you?"

"No, like kissing someone _else_ since I'm not there."

"Why would I do that? You're my boyfriend. You know I only kiss you."

"I wasn't your boyfriend when you kissed me back then."

"True. But you are now."

"True. But still... Just don't drink too much."

"You can't tell me what do to. And I am offened by your assumption that I would do such a thing. Making out with someone else... _Really Sheldon?! Don't you trust me at all?"_

"Not when you're drunk."

Sheldon's aware as soon as the words left his mouth, he _shouldn't _have that said. It's not even true. Or is it? Why did he even start to make a fuss about her fun times with Penny and Bernadette? He _never_ cared about that before. He used to think that as long as she's happy with having girl friends he's happy, because then he wouldn't have to spend more time with her. _That's _an unnerving thought. _What_ kind of boyfriend thinks like that? Sheldon gets more and more nervous. This _really_ isn't going well. And now she's also angry!

"I strongly object to that. I don't even know why you _possibly_ would have such a _ridiculous_ idea."

"Zach."

"Zach who?"

"_Exactly_."

"I don't understand."

"All those years ago, when you saw him the first time, you experienced sexual arousal. Don't you remember?"

"Oh... Yes, I do... unfortunately."

"So do I."

"What's your point?"

"What if you're out with the girls and you had too much to drink and then you'll meet some low life and you can't control yourself?"

"_Really?_ Sheldon, you never worried about any of this before. Where is all that coming from?"

At this point, Sheldon truly wants to hang up. He has no desire whatsoever to answer her question. It's bad enough that he has to deal with these things, these _emotions_. To share them and more importantly with her is just not acceptable. _At all. _He just should've kept his mouth shut and not started this whole unpleasant discussion in the first place. When he's about to say that he didn't mean it like that and that of course she should have as much alcohol as she likes, Amy says:

"Sheldon? Are you worried that I'd leave you for someone else? For someone who _doesn't_ mind getting physically intimate?"

DRAT! But that's it, isn't it? Sheldon, even though mostly _very_ unconsciously, always feared that she might _exactly_ do that.

"... Maybe."

"That's very unlikely to happen."

"Why?"

"Just think about the end of that embarrassing episode."

"I don't follow."

"He was dumb. _Very_ dumb. Which for me, is a complete turn off. And in comparison to you _everyone_ is dumb."

"That's right..."

"So you see, nothing to worry about. If I just wanted to have coitus regardless of the person, I could have done that years ago..."

"I guess... Ok, you can get as drunk as you like."

That didn't go too bad, he thinks. Of course she wouldn't just leave him for some random guy. He is after all still Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Sex or no sex, he's the _best_ catch! Really, how could he even doubt that? His mood skyrockets enormously. Why he worried in the first place about such a ridiculous thing, is beyond him.

"Well 'Thank you', Sheldon. But how can I be sure that you're not going to hook up with someone else on your 'adventure'?"

"You're joking."

"No. Who knows? Maybe you'll meet some female train enthusiast who is astoundingly pretty and-"

"Would she also be as smart as you?"

"'VERY FUNNY'. But _my_ point is that neither of us knows for sure what will happen."

Wow, that woman sure knows how to drag one down again. The only good thing about having spent the last days thinking and worrying exclusively about Amy was, that he didn't have much of a chance to think about his other issues. The nagging uncertainty of what will come next. What he should do about his dead end job. About his living situation. The list goes on and on. And there is still no all resolving answer anywhere close!

"Well 'Thank _you_', Amy. Now I am depressed again...'Thank you _very_ much' for reminding me that _nothing_ is in my control..."

"Isn't that, and I am sorry for repeating myself, the _whole_ point of your trip? Accepting the facts of life? That there is just _no_ way to have control over everything?"

"Amy. I am disappointed. Of course, the _whole_ point of the trip is me getting control _back_ and not accepting that I don't have any."

"_Well, good luck with that."_

"Sarcasm?"

"What do you think?"

"I think this conversation contributes nothing helpful to my current situation anymore. So I say goodbye to you, Dr Fowler."

"Goodbye Dr. Cooper."


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: **Thank you very much for reading and for the reviews. They are very much appreciated and keep me motivated! :-)

I hope, you'll enjoy the next chapter.

* * *

**CHAPTER 3**

**DAY 19**

After almost three weeks Amy finds herself handling Sheldon's absence better. She sleeps better and eats more, she enjoys her work again and stopped ignoring her friends. But nonetheless, Sheldon hardly ever leaves her mind. She wishes that she could be with him. When he called from that place in the middle of nowhere, she was worried sick. Just a few days before that, she thought she heard him at his worse but then was proven wrong. She kept calling and texting him, asking where he is. She would've jumped on the next train, plane, car to get to him. But he never answered. Only providing signs of life. And then she kept missing his calls! She could've _kicked_ herself. How did that happen?! But he sounded better on the latest messages he left and that actually calmed her down a bit.

The morning after their last call, she stands under the shower and feels quite good for the first time since he left. Of course, she felt a little offended when he basically accused her of even being able to cheat on him. But at the same time, she has to admit, she finds it reassuring. The truth is, she just _loves_ it when he's jealous. He never confessed the nature of his feelings for her, except that one night when he showed up at her place after they had a fight. It was her first day at Caltech and he embarrassed her in front of her new colleagues. He said, he liked her for who she is, quirks and all. She still gets a warm fuzzy feeling when thinking about it. Naturally he ruined the moment just a few seconds later but besides that, it's still the closest to a declaration of his feelings for her she ever got from him. In _four_ years. So whenever he shows jealously she always sees it as evidence that he must feel something affectionate for her. Otherwise he just wouldn't bother.

When she goes to the kitchen, she sees her phone on the table blinking. Damn! Another missed call. This is getting _ridiculous_, she moans in frustration.

"Hi Amy. Just calling to check in. My train leaves soon. I'll call again when I arrive."

Amy sends him a text and wishes him a nice and safe journey. She hopes that they'll talk later this evening when she comes back from dinner at his place. Since he's gone, she avoided being there. It's just that much harder knowing he's not there and not having a _clue_ when he might be again. But when Leonard asked her if she would join them and that they're missing her she couldn't refuse. It makes her feel so good to know that they appreciate her as herself and not only as Sheldon's girlfriend.

However, when Amy arrives back home late that evening every good feeling she had earlier was gone. Completely, utterly crushed. Sheldon tried to call her one and half hours ago, but she didn't pick up. She just couldn't bear his voice. Or him all together. She feels _beyond_ hurt. She can't even cry.

She lies in her bed questioning everything that she thought she knew about Sheldon and about their relationship. She hears her phone ringing in her purse. She lets it. But after an hour of being unable to find any sleep, she crawls out of her bed, annoyed with herself for not being stronger. She listens to his message and after another hour of lying awake, fuming over his patronizing tone, she finally falls to a restless sleep.

"Amy. It's almost midnight. Why aren't you answering? You know you shouldn't switch your phone mute. There could be an emergency! Call me."

* * *

**DAY 21**

For the last few days since she heard these 'things' she ignored him. No calls, no texts, no emails. Nothing. She's so angry and unbelievably disappointed. She wishes she wouldn't have gone to meet her friends. But she did and now she has to deal with it. After the first wave of anger passed she tried to rationalize the information. To distance herself from simply everything, but most importantly from him.

Although, it was an unsuccessful undertaking, because Sheldon's attempts to contact her got much more frequent. He left one message after the other and texted repeatedly. Demanding to know where she is and why she isn't replying. His arrogance, which she used to admire, was making her furious. So she kept ignoring him. Trying to make him pay at least a little since she couldn't bring herself to just end this _farce_ once and for all.

At some point though he started to sound seriously worried and Amy became weak again. Maybe she misunderstood, maybe it really wasn't meant like this? Sheldon always says things that sounded harsh but he never intended them to be. Well, _almost_ never. He had hurt her before. With all the imprudent but still painful things he had said to her over the years. The reason why Amy always forgave him is because of the many times he actually made her happy. Their "relationship of the mind" is indeed the foundation of why they're working at all and Amy still appreciates that very much. They spend a lot of their time talking endlessly about the most fascinating topics. She loves that. Sure, the _extremely_ slow progress in regards of physical intimacy is aggravating and she wished more often than she could count that he would be more tender towards her. He doesn't have to declare his love every day but at least some signs once in a while would be nice. Nevertheless, Amy could live with the way things were, to a certain degree at least. Not once did she fool herself to underestimate the extent of his "intimacy issues". But lately, with the kissing and an overall slightly more tolerant attitude towards touching, she believed that they're finally getting somewhere. Was she wrong? Amy isn't sure what to believe anymore. She doesn't know what to do. She goes back and forth. To confront him right away or to wait?

At last Amy figures, that she shouldn't do something about it now, not as long he's still away. This is certainly something they should talk about in person and most importantly she just needs more time to sort things out by herself. Relieved to have come up with a satisfying solution she decides that she should call him. Firstly, she can't hide from him forever and secondly, she seriously has to let him know that she wants some space. She can't possibly find any final resolution when he keeps contacting her all the time. Amy simply wants a break from Sheldon.

So after coming back home from work she sits down on her couch, braves herself up and dials his number. While it's ringing her heart starts to hasten. Maybe he isn't answering, she kind of hopes, but as soon as she finished the thought, she hears his voice:

"Hello Amy. How are you? Why didn't you call or answered any of my texts and emails?"

"Hello Sheldon. I'm ok. Thank you... How are you?"

"Ok. So why didn't you answer? I was worried and I _even_ called Penny to check if something happened to you. But it didn't. So _why_?"

"Ehm..."

"Amy?"

"Sheldon... I have to talk to you."

"Yes?"

"I was thinking, that maybe ... you shouldn't contact me for a while."

"What? Why? Daily communication is part of the Relationship Agreement. _Even though you don't seem to care lately."_

Sheldon's somewhat caring voice at the beginning of their conversation changed instantly to his usual defensive mode. But there was something else in it... He sounds a little uneasy, Amy thinks. She's sure by now, that he won't make it easy for her. But there's no way back. She needs to go through with this and tries to explain her reasons in the most rational way.

"Well, first and foremost, I think that it would be easier for _you_ to find the answers you're looking for. And secondly, I honestly think that it would be good for _us _as well. We can temporarily put the Relationship Agreement on hold."

_"You want to break up now?!"_

"I just want to make sure that we use the time apart _wisely_."

"And _how_ is not speaking to each other helping that?"

"We would make our decisions solely based on our own thoughts and reflections and not because we're influencing each other."

"I _always_ make my own decisions."

"I know. Even if I wouldn't have before, I realized that when you left _without_ even saying goodbye."

"You're _still_ upset about that? I explained."

"Yes and I understand. I really do. But-"

"_But what? _And what did you mean with the decisions _we_ have to make? It's _my_ life that's ruined-"

"Sheldon!"

"What?!"

"I know all that. Believe me. Even _more_ than I wish for..."

"What's that supposed to mean now? Is my life in shambles _boring_ you?!"

This conversation isn't going at all as Amy planned. She wanted to keep her composure. She wanted to tell him reasonably why she wants them to take a break from each other. She wanted to make it look like that this would be really for _his_ benefit. But Sheldon apparently wouldn't take any of it. However, when he starts to yell at her, Amy finally loses the little control she had left.

"You're being unfair, Sheldon, again! I'm such an idiot! Always thinking about _you_ and how I want _you_ to be happy. But do you ever think about _me_ and if _I_ am happy? _Do you?! _Don't answer that. I already know. Because apparently I am just ANOTHER nuisance you have to deal with and-"

"I _never_ said-"

"Let me quote: '_My girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me.' _And the next thing you do is leaving without even packing a toothbrush! So again-"

"Who told you that? No wait. I know. Stuart, that sorry excuse for a human being! Of course, as soon as I'm not around, he tries to get close to you again. I don't _believe_ that you would do that to me. And you _just_ convinced me a few days ago that you wouldn't."

"I didn't! And _you_ have no right-"

"But _what_ am I supposed to think here? You just said, you want to _terminate_ our relationship!"

"No, I said, we should take a _break_ from the obligations determined in our agreement. Like having to communicate everyday. And to be honest, I could also use some time to reevaluate my life..."

"What do you mean by _that_?"

Amy falls silent and all the tears that she refused to cry for days finally burst out. She can't take it anymore. This is _horrible_.

"Amy? Are you crying?... Please stop. You know it makes me uncomfortable..."

Sheldons's anger seems to have vanished and the caring is back in his voice. Amy feels confused, afraid, tired and sad at the same time. The tears keep streaming down and she can't help but thinking that _this_ _just isn't right. _But she doesn't have the strength to speak. To say this out loud.

"Amy? ... Please say something... Are you not happy... with me?"

"... I don't know."

"Don't say that. I apologize. I know you wouldn't betray me like that."

"It's just that... I'm tired of all this."

"Of what?"

"I know that relationships aren't always easy, but I don't think it's supposed to _always_ be this hard and difficult... Maybe we should accept that it's not working... I mean, you're unhappy and I'm unhappy... I just don't know anymore... if all _this_ is really worth it."

It's Sheldon now who doesn't say anything. He must be very agitated, he's breathing fast and shallow. Amy, still crying, feels somehow guilty for upsetting him like this, but also strangely relieved. She finally had the guts to stand up and tell the truth. After what feels like forever, he speaks again. His voice low and sad. It breaks her heart.

"Do you _really_ want to break up?"

Does she? Could she live without him? Going back to being just friends? Would that even be possible?

"I don't know... And honestly, I don't think that _you_ know either. Which is why I propose that we _both_ take some time to figure things out. Don't you agree?"

He doesn't answer again. Minutes pass and nothing. She feels anger rising again mixed with disappointment. _Even_ on the verge of the end, he can't bring himself to admit his feelings. To give her a reason to believe that it _is_ all worth it.

"Sheldon?... Ok, I hang up now... Take care."

"_No wait!_ I haven't agreed to the temporary termination thing, or whatever you want to call that nonsense."

"Sheldon-"

"NO! AMY. NO! I'll call you tomorrow and you'll better pick up!"

And then he hangs up. Amy just sits on her couch unable to move. _What just happened? _Was she about to break up with Sheldon? _Seriously?! _No, she reassures herself, just taking a break. Nothing final. But what did she say _exactly_? It sure sounded disturbingly like she wants to end the relationship. With this thought, Amy starts to feel panic. She's about to call him again to apologize and to tell him that she didn't mean any of it, when she remembers why she wanted time off to begin with. No! She reassures herself. _This_ time she won't back down. He needs to deal with the consequences of his behavior. He just cannot run around making statements like _this_ and thinking that he can get away with it all the time.

What had hurt her the most was not that he doesn't want to live with her. It's the fact, that he not only _knows_ that she loves him but that it's apparently something so _unbearable_ that he left the city, no the _state_! He is basically punishing her for it. _How dare he?! _And that day in her apartment when she only suggested to move in he mocked her, basically stating that even the _idea_ of a future together sounds _ridiculous_. She hates him right now. This is what she _wasted_ years for?! She will speak to him again when hell freezes over!

And with that Amy turns the TV on and zaps through the channels desperately trying not to think about Sheldon anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **Thank you very much for reading and for the reviews! I can't tell you, how reassuring they are and show me that I might be on the right track here (get it? ;-))...

I hope you'll like the next chapter.

* * *

**CHAPTER 4**

**DAY 22**

After hanging up on Amy, Sheldon was simply _horrified_ about what just occurred. He sat on his bed and now became aware that he's shaking, that his heart hammered like crazy and that his breathing was way too fast. He was sure he's about to hyperventilate any second now or even get a heart attack. He grabbed his chest, closed his eyes and tried desperately to regain control over his body. What is happening here?!

After a few more moments he managed to calm down enough to get up and to stumble to the bathroom. There he splashed cold water on his face and continued his attempts to steady his breathing. Just breathe in... and out...in... and out... He noticed his trembling hands and when he looked up and saw his face in the mirror, he was shocked by the reflection that was staring back at him. Who is this person, looking so very agitated and not like himself at all? _What is happening here?!_

And then his mind finally started to process what did indeed happen. Which unfortunately didn't take long, because Sheldon realized that it all came down to one simple fact: _Amy wants to break up._ Instantly his breathing started to become uneven and his heartbeat hastened again. That _cannot_ be, he must have misunderstood something. What did she say _exactly_? No, she didn't say, that she wants to break up. What she really said was, that she _only_ wanted a _break_. But he didn't agree to that stupid request, so _nothing_ really changed. All is good... Indeed, _all is good. _He repeatedly reassured himself while he walked back to the bed and lied down. Yes, she's angry, but that happened before and he always got himself out of it and made her forgive him. Should he buy some jewelry again? That was one really helpful advice from Leonard all those years ago. He could send it to her. Wouldn't that be a nice surprise? She would be delighted if her reaction to the tiara is any indication. Sheldon was already thinking about the kind and size (because apparently size matters) of the gift when something suddenly stirred up in him. Why would she do that in the first place? Upsetting him like that while he already suffers a _colossal_ crisis? Just because he said something to Stuart that she didn't like? _How selfish! _And why does he even bother so much? He never wanted a girlfriend to begin with and sometimes he isn't even sure if he wants now. He even told her so, when he admitted he would go back and forth between this whole boyfriend-girlfriend thing. And the moments when she would worship him, the moments that really kept her in the running got a lot less lately. Is there anything in it for him that doesn't include having to deal with emotional turmoil and strange funny feelings late at night when he's supposed to sleep? _Oh no, not that again. _Why is he putting up with that? With her? But then the memories of their lengthy engaging discussions and delightful games they invented came back to him. He never had more fun in his whole life, not even when he's alone. He remembered that at times when being with her he felt so happy, so content, like nothing bad could possibly ever happen. Why can't it always be like that?

And so Sheldon spent the entirety of the night. He got no sleep at all, feeling sad, feeling angry, feeling lonely, feeling secure, feeling annoyed, feeling completely exhausted.

At 5 in the morning he finally gives up and takes a shower. He just needs to speak with her, he decides. He will feel much better then because surely he'll see that he overreacted over nothing really. So after getting dressed he calls her, but at that time of the day was unsurprisingly sent straight to her voice mail:

"Hello Amy. You weren't serious yesterday, were you?... Just call me back... Or text me. We don't have to converse, which, as you very well know, I find an overrated social construct anyway."

* * *

**DAY 25**

Once again, as so often lately, Amy didn't call back nor did she text him. Although Sheldon isn't willing to accept that she appears to have actually meant what she said about wanting space from him, he can't bring himself to leave the hotel. He spends the next days in his room, watches old tv shows, orders room service, restrains himself from calling her and to freak out completely.

However, when the following day goes by and he _still_ gets no message from Amy, Sheldon begins to feel even more hurt than before. He hates it, like he hates every emotion by nature. And what's really worse is that he feels hurt _and_ abandoned. He never imagined to ever have to experience this so repeatedly like in the last few weeks, let alone caused by Amy. Ultimately, Sheldon has reached his limit. He has enough of this _madness_ and he's starting to lose his temper, like he always does when confronted with _despicable_ hippie dippy feelings he can't handle. Why is he so upset in the first place? Why does he even care? Why does she make him feel all these things? Why can't he stop them? It's all her fault! When he leaves the next message on Amy's phone, he has _no_ intention of trying to ease the frosty situation between them. No, Sheldon needs to release his anger and damn the consequences!

"Not even a text?! It's way past bedtime and your unacceptable behavior is disturbing my routine, which is hard to maintain as it is in my current living conditions. You are violating the Relationship Agreement with repeated intention. This is a strike! _Are you happy now, Amy?_ This _cannot_ be what you want. How am I supposed to concentrate on getting my life back in control, when I have to deal with your emotional... _terrorism_...Yes! That's what this is! You don't want to talk with me?! _FINE!_"

He feels immediately relieved and the last thoughts he has before falling asleep is, that he sure will _never ever _let Amy torture him again with her emotional nonsense. How could he allow her to degrade him to this? Spending days in his room, whining about a girl... How weak! How pathetic! He is Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, a man of science!

* * *

**DAY 27**

A week has passed since their dreadful conversation and finally Sheldon checks out of the hotel. He prepared a schedule for the upcoming week and once more he's on a train and just looks out of the window, watching the landscapes changing. He still finds it very soothing. The sound of the train, the distant houses and the many trees and fields that pass by, the tiny people and cars that look like they're figurines on a model train set.

His anger towards Amy has somewhat disappeared and he can't help but wondering if yelling at her like that wasn't a mistake. The day after he left the message he spent with planning his next trip and walking around the town trying not to think about Amy and to get rid of all the irritating emotions she makes him feel. He used to be a master in that, to numb himself so that everything unpleasant would go away. But after some hours he unwillingly had to acknowledge that obviously he isn't anymore. He felt exhausted by constantly having to force the image of Amy's face out of his mind and to ignore the sensations in his belly and heart that it caused. So when he came back to the hotel he decides that maybe, just _maybe_, he should try to... well, not _accept_ per se, but to... _tolerate_ the fact that _whatever_ it is he feels for Amy, won't disappear and therefore to swallow the undeniable truth that he is better when things are ok between them.

And this is what he currently ponders about. What can he do to make things right again? He repeats every word of their last phone call in his mind and tries to find the answer to what caused this situation in the first place. Over and over again... But nothing, really. He still can't bring himself to relish the idea that the reason was caused solely by something _he _did wrong. So what? He told Stuart that his girlfriend wants to move in with him. Which is true. So why is she so upset? Undoubtedly he shouldn't have yelled at her when she suggested it, but then again, why is she bringing that up so regularly? Why is she _always_ bringing things up that he's not ready to deal with? Like sex... No, he doesn't want to think about _that_... _again_. Oh, he just wants everything to be the way it was before. When all was clear and not so unbelievably confusing. Why can't he just go back in time? Wouldn't that be phenomenal?

However, while he keeps musing about time travel and other 'what if' scenarios, in which Amy is always perfectly happy with everything Sheldon does and says, he becomes aware again that for the majority of his journey, he's thinking exclusively about Amy and not about his many other problems. He should be displeased with her for distracting him so much. But somehow, even _he_ is surprised, he can't bring himself to that. Six days without any sign from her. He misses her badly and he knows that he really needs to fix this, even tough he obviously didn't do anything wrong that would justify her overreacting... But how to fix it, he still has no clue. After another while he concludes that he just needs her to talk to him again for a start and when the train halts at the next station he calls her:

"Hi Amy. I just wanted to tell you, that you don't get a strike... Even though you deserve it... No, sorry. I didn't mean it... _Really_. Would you _please_ call me back?... I'm sorry."

Later that afternoon, Sheldon has left the train and has a few hours to kill before his next leaves. He wanders through the city exploring the area around the central station. Walking through the streets that are quite shady, he realizes. Here's another bar and there another pawn shop, a cinema where they show... ehm... stuff for adults. The images of the one time he watched something like that (Howard, of course, made him years ago) instantly invade his mind and he notices a tiny shiver going through his body... Why hasn't Amy called yet? He needs to get away from here, this is no place for him. Strange people everywhere. How they look at him, pointing him out as someone who doesn't belong. He feels observed. Oh, there's a comic book store. There he does belong!

After spending almost an hour in the store he is now back at the station waiting for his connecting train. He sits on a bench and flips through the pages of a new comic that he bought, although not really following the story. The unsettling feeling in his stomach irritates him. He checks his phone again, discovering that the battery will die soon. Damn. Should he call her again? No. Don't look desperate, he thinks. But maybe he should anyway? Why wouldn't she call? He remembers the pawn shops, there was some jewelry in the show windows. Maybe he should buy her something after all?

While he still tries to decide what to do, _finally_ his phone rings. It's Amy _at last. _He feels nervous right away, but at the same time _enormously_ relieved.

"Hello Sheldon."

"Amy! I am glad you called. How are you?"

"Ok. How is your trip going?"

"Ok... Amy?"

"Yes?

"... I'm sorry."

"I am also sorry. I shouldn't have been ignoring you like this."

"Why did you? That really upset me. I am used to hear from you every day for years now-"

Even Sheldon is annoyed by his own whiny voice and he's not surprised when he hears Amy inhaling sharply...

"Like usual, we're back at how it affects you. YOU YOU YOU! That's all there ever is..."

This isn't going right. Not even after a minute they're about to fight again. But he can't help it. Why is she always so accusing? It seems like all he ever does is wrong in her opinion. When did that start?

"Where's that coming from now? I thought, we already agreed that this trip is for me to sort out _my_ mess of a life."

"Yes. But what did you think _I_ would do in the meantime? Oh, I know. You thought I would just sit here, waiting patiently for you to come back to me. Isn't it so?"

"Well..."

"Listen, Sheldon. I tried to explain to you when we last spoke, that I _too_ need some time to think. And I just can't when you're constantly around, so to speak. I need some space. And I know for a fact that you can relate... with you hopping on that train to get away from here... from me."

"_I didn't do that to get away from YOU. I needed to get away from EVERYTHING_. I already explained that..."

"I know, I know. It's just that..."

"What?"

"When Stuart told me what you said to him-"

"Oh, dear lord! Can't we just forget-"

"NO! We can't just forget that. That really hurt me and it got me thinking... no, questioning our relationship. I am just not sure-"

This is too much. Sheldon doesn't want to, no, he can't deal with this now. Or ever again. Why can't she just let it go? What's her point anyway? But wait! What's this? Sheldon listens and declares somewhat relieved:

"Amy, I am sorry to have to interrupt you but I need to go now, my train is leaving."

"Is that really so or are you just trying to avoid this conversation?"

"Just lucky coincidence."

"This isn't over. We _will_ have this conversation at some point."

No, they won't. Sheldon is sick of all this. Why can't she make him happy and not uncomfortable? _He_ tried to fix things between them but apparently _she_ has no interest whatsoever. Instead she keeps requesting unpleasant conversations about stupid feelings and whatnot. No, he won't have any of this anymore.

"Not if I agree to temporarily terminate the obligations defined in our Relationship Agreement."

"Wow... I am still astounded by the lengths you're willing to go to avoid having a grown up conversation about us... And no, that _wasn't _a compliment. Take care, Dr. Cooper."

"You too, Dr. Fowler."

* * *

**DAY 33**

Not even a day after this, Sheldon realized that he made a mistake by agreeing to Amy's 'space' proposal. But while he kept kicking himself mentally over and over again he's just too proud to give in. So he spent the following week traveling and sightseeing. Then and there he thought about the other issues but he soon became aware that he won't get anywhere with them. So why bother? It's a little unnerving that these other things should trouble him much more than the situation with Amy. But they don't. What's happened to him? He asks himself for the umpteenth time quite upset and frustrated. For his whole life his _only_ concern _ever_ was when he will get the Nobel Prize. Not if, _when_. But does he concentrate on that?! No. Does he dedicate his 'sabbatical' to finding a way that will get him back on track?! No! Instead he sits on a bench at the zoo and watches the monkeys. MONKEYS! Not even Koalas. _Dear Lord, what has happened to him?! _

Although, he thinks, they are really cute. The monkeys. It's no wonder Amy loves them so much. Sheldon remembers their last visit to the zoo. She is so adorable (ADORABLE?! When did that start, that he thinks of her as adorable?... Really, what is happening?!) when she talks and talks about all the seemingly millions of different kinds, how they really are the best and smartest animals and so much more preferable to most humans. Before he understands what he's doing...

"Hello Amy. I am just calling because... I was wondering... if you could help me with something... You know, I'm at a zoo and I'm watching the _monkeys_ there... And now I have some questions regarding their... ehm... social intelligence, because I can observe some _really_ interesting things... And I have to say they are indeed quite _fascinating_. So... you were right about that. Please call me... ok?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's Note: **Thank you for reading and for your input in the reviews. They are very much appreciated. I get that some of you are not very pleased with Sheldon. And really, who is these days? I have the feeling that I should "warn" you. This chapter will be pretty awful ("rock bottom" is all I'm saying...), but I kind of needed to get this out of my system so to speak...

I really hope you'll stick with me though. Let me know what you think. Thanks a lot!

* * *

**CHAPTER 5**

**DAY 35**

Amy listens to Sheldons message repeatedly. Since they stopped communicating she felt strange. On the one hand she was relieved to have time for herself and to think everything that has happened through. But on the other hand she missed him... _constantly_. Which she honestly didn't expect. After all, the break was her idea and with good reason! Very good reason in fact! He is just _impossible_ to be with! Why she doesn't seem to be able to get him out of her head, not to mention her heart, is beyond her. She thinks about him _all _the time and lately she started to dream about him every night. This man is indeed unbelievable! Invading her life like this without even being there.

Amy spent the last days in constant rage. What Stuart told her was unfortunately not the only little tidbit she heard from their friends. Apparently she talks too much and wants to hold hands too often. What "charming" things he says about her... So whenever she felt the urge to call him she thought about that and the feeling just vanished and was replaced with anger, disappointment and sadness. She should break up. She _really_ should. There is just no way he will _ever_ be different. So Amy decided to do exactly that as soon as he comes back and until then she just won't speak to him. Which cannot be that difficult as she was sure, he will never let his stubbornness allow him to call her instead. But then one afternoon at work she found herself beyond surprised when she heard his voice again. He sounded just like Sheldon. The guilty version that is, that on rare occasions he lets slip out.

So she knows, when she listens to him talking about the 'fascination' of monkeys, it's his way of reaching out. To fix things. But she's also aware that he only wants to do this so they can go back to be as they always were. No moving forward, no apologizing for any wrongdoings on his part and definitely no confessing of any deeper feelings. Which he might not even have. During the days spent in silence she kept wondering about Sheldon's emotions for her. Of course, he _must_ have at least some sort of affection for her, otherwise he wouldn't be with her... or kissed her. No, don't think about that! she forbids herself. That he has a picture of her as his screensaver is also kind of reassuring, she thinks. But what is the nature of his feelings exactly? Does he just 'like' her? Or is he only 'fond' of her? Could it even be possible that he loves her just like she loves him? Is he capable of loving someone like this? Romantically? Or has he shut down himself emotionally so completely that he just can't? She needs to know the truth though. But not today. Tomorrow. Maybe.

* * *

**DAY 37**

For another two days Amy just can't collect enough courage to call him. She knows that the next conversation they'll have will be critical and it scares her. She wishes it wouldn't be so. While lying in her bed she reflects about how she and her life have changed since she met Sheldon. She isn't pleased with herself. She used to be strong and independent and now all she thinks about is Sheldon and if or if not he loves her. How sad, pathetic even! She used to be a woman of science and not some emotional wreck that is only happy when "her" man is pleased with her. What happened to her?! What did she let him do to her? How could it be that she allowed him to have such power over her? This needs to stop! She is sure that she could easily go back to how her life used to be pre-Sheldon. Before he messed everything up that she believed to be true about herself and life in general. Although, she has to admit, that it wasn't that much fun. It's not that she was unhappy. She wasn't. But she wasn't happy either. She was pretty much emotionless. Just living. Just being. The only source of contentment was her work. It could be again, couldn't it? But does she really want to? Amy isn't sure. But then she reasons that just because Sheldon wouldn't be her boyfriend anymore doesn't necessarily mean that she has to lose all of the improvements that meeting him did to her life. She would still be friends with Penny and Bernadette, wouldn't she? She gets along with her colleagues much better than four years ago. She can find other friends, couldn't she? She doesn't need _him_ to be happy and have a satisfying social life! But... will she see him? Probably. Will she be ok with that? Probably not. Why, oh _why_, must he look so handsome? So manly tall with his blue eyes... Damn, woman! He doesn't deserve your admiration! Get over it! Amy forces herself to get the images of a lanky Sheldon looking down at her, smiling and about to kiss her out of her head._ At last _she managed to fall asleep by reciting brain parts.

* * *

**DAY 38**

However, when the morning comes, she suffered through another restless night with almost no sleep. Amy concludes that she can't go on like this forever. If this is it, it's better to start getting over him while he's still away and not when she will see him regularly. Without even getting out of bed she calls him. Why bother with getting dressed if it's most likely the end and she won't leave her bedroom for the next undetermined time anyway? While it's ringing she can't stop thinking about the things she heard him say and she gets pissed at him again fast. It's ok though, she feels it gives her the much needed strength to go through with it. At last he picks up. So here it goes, she thinks:

"Amy? Oh. Good Morning. I just didn't expect that you'd call... that early. I hope you are feeling well?"

"Are you ready for that conversation that you so skillfully avoided the last time we spoke?"

"Wow. I don't even get a 'Hello. How are you?'. You're violating the simplest social protocol here."

She should give him that, she thinks. One minor victory...

"You are correct, of course. I apologize. Hello Sheldon. How have you been these last days?"

"Thank you, Amy. As I've told you, I visited a zoo. That really helped with my gloomy mood. They even had koalas. Oh, they're _so_ cute!"

"I am glad to hear that... I'm also glad that you don't keep pretending that you'd care about the capability of social interactions of monkeys... That was some pretty lame excuse by the way."

"But I really did watch them and found them very adorable! I meant what I said. I even stayed much longer at their compound as I did at the koalas."

"Anyhow... Sooo now, would you like to enlighten me, why you think that having me tied up in _your_ Relationship Agreement is ... what was the word...oh yeah, "SLICK"?! So if I understand correctly: You find it just _perfect_, that I am bound by _your_ rules to behave the way _you_ want me to, without _you_ having to do _anything_ for me in return."

Amy should give Sheldon a chance to answer, to say something in his defense. If he has one that is. But she just can't stop herself. Everything that has been bottled up inside of her for the last weeks... no months... no _years_, needs to come out. Finally.

"I know, I shouldn't be surprised. That's just how you are. Always thinking about _you_ first and not thinking about me at all... But somehow with the progress that we've made lately... I guess, I was just _deluding_ myself into believing, that you're finally ok with moving on... I was wrong... AGAIN."

"It's not true."

"What? You didn't say that to Raj?"

"No, I did. But that's not what I meant...It's not true that I don't do anything for you. And it was _me_ suggesting the amendments regarding kissing on Date Nights."

"So you did that ONLY for me?! Something you have to put up with even though you're _'not a fan'_, like with hand holding, which apparently I _force_ you to do too much as well!? Something you _generously_ give me, to keep me happy enough?!"

"No. You're twisting everything I say!"

"Then WHAT did you mean?!"

Sheldon doesn't answer. This is ridiculous, she thinks in frustration.

"You know Sheldon... I really can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted. Really. _You_ exhaust me. I fear _all_ the time that I do something by mistake that would scare you away... I am _constantly_ worried that I somehow misbehave... Like when you kiss me, I-"

"Don't you like it when I kiss you?"

"No, I do. I _really_ do... But everytime I freeze... unable to move... because I'm too scared that I might get carried away and touch you too much or that, God beware, some saliva gets exchanged accidentally and then you would run away screaming and would NEVER EVER kiss me again..."

"Oh..."

"Yes. 'Oh'."

"I don't know how to respond to this..."

"You don't have to. And now I hear you say such things to Raj and Stuart and it confirms everything that I suspected in the first place. That you really don't like kissing me and that you don't put _any_ real effort in working on your issues so that we could get closer. _Everything_ you do for me, you just do to give me something to hold on for a while, so that I won't break up with you. And the worst of it is, that the _only_ reason you don't want me to leave you is NOT because you have _'oh so deep' _feelings for me somewhere hidden, but because I can provide something no one else can and you just don't want to share that. _A matching intellect._ You only don't want to lose _that_. You don't want a future with me. The way you look at me whenever I bring something up related to this is saying it all! And you even said so when you stormed out of my apartment. You find the idea of spending your life with me _ridiculous_. How dare you! I've _wasted_ years with you! Just to get punished and ridiculed by you!"

There, she said it. The truth is finally out. Amy is overly anxious now, her whole body is trembling, she can't really breath, her heart is beating way too fast. She's sure that any second now Sheldon will admit that she's right. So she waits trying to brace herself for the last final blow. But instead he says something unexpected:

"That's not true."

"No?... Then what is the truth?"

"I wanted to change the agreement because I _do_ like kissing you and I want us to keep doing it."

"Then why did you say that to Raj?"

"I really don't know anymore..."

"Why did you say that to Stuart?"

"We already talked about that."

"Yes, but-."

"_What else do you want to hear?_ I told you, I am not ready to think about moving in with you. I have other issues to deal with, as you know. You said, you'd understand."

Here they are back fighting. Amy hears Sheldon's voice becoming more and more annoyed. She doesn't care though. He treated her like shit. Yes, shit! And belittled their relationship and more importantly her feelings for him not only when they're alone but in front of _others_. That ass!

"But that's _not_ the point. Why is the thought of your girlfriend_ loving you_ freaking you out? Would you rather have me _indifferent_? Not caring about you _at all_?"

"Nooo. Of course not."

"So. _What then?_ Is it because _you_ don't love me?"

"I really _don't_ like where this is going..."

"You can tell me. It's ok. Just say: 'Amy, I don't love you.' As I've said before, I already know that anyway."

He surely will take _this_ opportunity, she's certain. And yet again, Sheldon's response surprises her. But not only that. When he speaks, he's so angry like she never heard him before. His voice is hard and deep. It's _frightening_.

"_You know what I don't love?_ You sounding like Leonard. '_Please Penny, tell me that you love me' _Over and over again... You obviously aren't as strong as I am and I find that disappointing."

"And _what_ do you mean by that now?"

"That you weren't able to withstand the bad influence of common people. You sound more and more like the others. You understand all of them but not _me_ anymore."

"That's not true."

"No? Then how come that we talk about our _emotions_ all the time now? Or whether I am a _romantic_ enough boyfriend or not. You know I don't care for things like that."

"But I do. And I am not like you."

"_But you used to. _What happened to the brilliant scientist who found the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary social contruct that has no value to human relationships? Who thought that intercourse is a waste of time and energy? Who was completely satisfied with us having only a relationship of the mind? Don't answer that. I know what happened: Penny and alcohol."

_"That's not fair-"_

"You're so _desperate_ to 'fit in', that you've changed so much that sometimes I can't even find _my_ Amy in you! And since _you're_ so upset about the things _I_ have said. What about the things _you_ have said? Don't think I wouldn't know, that you told them that you'd like to buy the comic book store just to shut it down, so that I would pay more attention to you. Seriously?! And you call _me_ selfish? That it burned down must have been a dream come true for you. Wasn't it?"

"Sheldon! No! That's not-"

"Or that day we ran into Professor Proton in the drugstore when afterwards you told me, that YOU can understand how OTHERS find my behavior annoying. And it does _not_ make ANY difference that you ran away before saying it out loud. And don't think that I wouldn't see how often you roll your eyes or just look disapprovingly whenever I apparently do something you don't think appropriate... And just a few weeks before I left I caught you lying! LYING! _Again_ by the way! I'm 'sorry' that my troubles are so _vexatious_ for you. 'Poor Amy!'... And what did you mean exactly, when last year you shouted at your stupid lab monkey, that you want a _'normal' _boyfriend? Don't think I didn't hear you. Really Amy? NORMAL?! Are you _serious_?! Do you even know me?! THAT HURT ME! And because Penny and Bernadette and romantic comedies put all these _ludicrous_ ideas in your head, you're constantly trying to make me fulfill your imaginations regardless of who I _really_ am!"

Amy listens in utter disbelief as Sheldon rants on and on. He's practically screaming at her now and she just starts to cry. These are the worst things he ever said to her. It's unbearable.

"Sheldon. Please stop."

"Why?! Am I not right?! Don't you just _wish_ I could be like every ordinary man? Pathetically crawling at any woman's feet, desperate for attention and doing anything just in hopes to get laid? How do you think does it make me feel that you're _constantly_ pointing out that I am a failure in pleasing you? Do you even _care_ about the pressure you're putting on me? And since you're complaining about the Relationship Agreement so much. Let me remind you that you used to find it 'romantic'. But _now_, because I can't live up to your _fantasies_, you call it 'a _ridiculous_ contract'. Do I _really_ have to explain to you what the agreement means to me? How can you belittle that?!... AND STOP CRYING NOW!"

But Amy can't. She's sobbing uncontrollably now. She can't speak and just hears his words in her ears over and over again. After a few moments Sheldon somewhat a little calmer says:

"Are you with me because of who I am or just because you like the idea of having a boyfriend? Of someone you can shape fit to make your dreams come true of a house and marriage and a family? Because if so Amy, I am telling you that _I cannot be who you want me to be."_

They're silent for a little eternity it seems. Amy feels literally sick, like he kicked her in the stomach. She tries to calm herself, to stop the tears and to find her voice again. Strangely enough the sound of listening to his breathing helps her to simmer down a little. She hears him breathing fast and once in a while even snuffle sounds. If she wouldn't know it better, she would think he's crying... Impossible! However, the most surprising thing is, that Amy isn't angry anymore. Yes, the way he spoke to her was the most hurtful ever, but _what_ he said... After a few more moments when she feels her voice might be strong enough again, she says:

"I honestly don't know what to say, Sheldon. I haven't thought about all this..."

"Maybe you should."

She's a little overtaken by the sound of his voice. It's the outright opposite from just a few minutes ago. It's low and weak. She could instantly start to cry again by the image of Sheldon actually shedding some tears, as unlikely that is.

"And I will... But will you think about what I've said as well?"

"... Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes, really. I promise... But I'm exhausted now."

"Yeah, me too. Goodbye, Sheldon."

"Goodbye Amy."

The next few hours are one of the worse in Amy's life. She stays in bed and cries and cries and cries only interrupted when she falls asleep out of pure exhaustion. Although, these short breaks don't bring her any rest because every time she wakes up she feels even more devastated than before. She always dreamed of Sheldon and it was just horrible. Not the contents of her dreams though. No, in them they were _happy_. They were just Sheldon and Amy, perfectly at ease with one another like they used to be. What's so horrible is the realization that in reality they aren't. Not anymore. Not even a little. They're screaming at each other now. Accusing the other of doing all bad things possible. Lying, cheating, hurting, manipulating, the list goes on and on. When did that happen? Amy wonders. When did they became a couple that would play the "blame game" like pros? When did they stop talking? How could it be that they both obviously had so many unresolved issues bottled up inside of them, that she doesn't even know where to start to solve this mess? Can it even or is this a lost cause? Amy sighs. This conversation didn't go at all as she thought it would. Sure, she finally had the guts to spit out all the anger she felt towards him but she really didn't expect him to return the "favor". But what did he say again? Amy forces herself to sit up straight and at last starts to process everything that has happened this morning.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's Note: **Thank you for reading and for the reviews!

I hope you'll like this chapter. It's a little too long I guess, but it's Sheldon's POV, and we all know he's not the fastest when it comes to "hippy dippy"-stuff... I'm still trying to keep him IC, but I also want him to grow a little, so please don't be mad when it gets too OOC. Let me know what you think. Thank you very much!

* * *

**CHAPTER 6**

**STILL DAY 38**

Sheldon feels beyond exhausted. He _screamed_ at her. How did that happen? He sounded disturbingly like his father used to when he shouted at his mother. That is _not_ acceptable. What is she doing to him? There he tried his whole life to be a master in repressing all kinds of feelings, especially the strong ones, and then _she_ comes along and he finds himself an emotional mess. _What the hell?! _They said, she would be exactly like him. His scientifically proven mate. If that would be so, he wouldn't lie in a hotel room god knows where crawled up in bed, crying. Oh Jesus, now he's really crying. He could hold the tears back while on the phone but as soon as they hung up they just started to flow. What is she doing to him? _She's ruining him. _That's what she does. The tears just keep streaming down. It's like a flood gate has been opened and every tear he ever held back finds its way out now.

This goes on for hours in which Sheldon is just lying in his bed, crying and trying not to think too much about the reason of his current state, to blank everything out. However, it is futile, so he just gives up. It will stop once there is no ounce of water left inside of his body and he will just die here of dehydration. Could that really happen? He wonders. With that disturbing thought he begins to simmer down at last. He won't allow himself to die of too much crying. It takes a few more moments but then the tears seem to get less and less... And then he just falls asleep...

When he wakes up a couple of hours later he's feeling better. Better? Yes, there's no denying that all the crying felt kind of _liberating_. How curious, he thinks. He gets out of bed, takes a shower, orders room service and while he eats and gains some energy again he starts to think about the events of this morning. What should he do now? Can things with Amy ever be like they used to be? He isn't sure. After _that_ conversation things can probably never be the same. Too many things have been said and they can't be taken back. He's aware of that. Does he want to? He isn't sure about that either. He inhales deeply and thinks about ways how to handle this situation. He could either try to go on as usual or simply deal with it and try to solve the mess, whatever the outcome may be. Sheldon figures that the reason he went away to begin with was to come to terms with all the changes around him and Amy is clearly a part of that, so _logically_ it would be kind of counterproductive not to deal with this. Besides, he just doesn't have the strength anymore to ignore everything that he finds irritating. Not to mention that not only his mind but also his body is betraying him _a lot _lately. Sheldon might be emotionally underdeveloped, but even he gets that there might be a connection. So for once, he doesn't want to fool himself anymore that he doesn't care and with this revelation he sighs deeply and begins analyzing the most disastrous conversation of his life.

What Sheldon said to Amy this morning, he really meant it. She went, seemingly in no time, from being a female version of him to a woman that _constantly_ wants more. More time, more attention, more hand holding, more hugging, more talking, more kissing, more, more, more of just _everything_. However, that's _not_ the unsettling part. Even though it should, he thinks. What's really unsettling is that she has changed her view of him. She used to accept him and now it appears she sees him through the eyes of others. She feels ashamed and annoyed by him. She even said so. That hurts. A lot. She wants to be 'normal', like every other single human being on this godforsaken planet and it looks like that's all she wants him to be as well. Being 'normal' and doing whatever it is that common people do. Sheldon hates the word. Normal. Mediocre. Ordinary. Boring. They're all the same. Four years ago Amy was none of it and she didn't want to. Why does she now? Sheldon doesn't understand what's so desirable about being like everyone else, to just blend in the masses. She has the most brilliant mind and yet she bothers herself with all this social poppycock. Is that something he can't accept? That she's so different from the woman he met? No, he can. In many ways she's still the same Amy. Actually, if he's being honest, he likes her better now. Why? He doesn't really know, only that he does.

What he doesn't like, no what he hates, is the way she's trying to change _him_. It makes him feel defective. Not good enough. It's like everything he tried to accomplish in being a better boyfriend went unnoticed by her. Oh, where did that come from? Sheldon wonders. When did he consciously tried to change? He hates every diversion and besides, he's perfect the way he is. Is he? Of course, no need to doubt that. _Really?_ Hmm... For quite the while Sheldon's arguing with himself if he is indeed the universe's gift to humanity that he always believed he'd be or if there are actually some constructional flaws, so to speak. In the end he figures that there _might_ be room for improvement. If he really would be that perfect, Amy would be thoroughly happy and not shouting at him for being apparently the worst boyfriend ever.

And what did she say this morning? About having _wasted_ years with him? That's harsh. Wasted?! Does she feel about the last years with him like he feels about the useless time he spent on string theory? That's just horrible! Sheldon instantly feels nauseous and is about to run to the bathroom when he has another thought. Why did she though? If he's so irritating, so embarrassing, so unbearable to be with why didn't she break up with him? Because she loves him. That's what he said to Stuart and he knows it's true. Oh, and that's also the reason why he likes her best now. The "old" Amy wouldn't love him. _Interesting, _he thinks. What's really causing Sheldon's uneasiness is the uncertainty if she will still love him even if he doesn't change the way she wants him to. Or if he doesn't do it fast enough. If she already is so different after four years who will she be in another four? And more importantly, what would she expect from him then?

She wants to get married, that much he knows. A house and probably children as well. Does he want all that? No. He told her today that he can't be that man. Sheldon tries to imagine himself as a husband and father and he just doesn't see it. Despite the fact that they actually planned to procreate all those years ago. What was he thinking? He wonders now. He's too selfish. Too absorbed in his own issues and even he realizes that a person who depends on others to basically take care of him might not be the fittest candidate to raise a child. Although, right now he is all alone taking care of himself. No one is here to help him and he manages just fine. Surprisingly fine actually. He remembers that he told Amy at the beginning of his journey that he wants to regain control over everything again. But now he discovers that he didn't do anything to achieve that. Well, with all the fighting with Amy there wasn't much time for that. However, now he becomes aware that he really doesn't mind the lack of continuance that much. _Fascinating_, he thinks. Besides, who, if not them, will gift human kind with an offspring so brilliant that they would have to define the whole concept of "genius" anew? And what's the difference between signing the Relationship Agreement and a marriage certificate?

Anyway, why does Amy think he's the worst boyfriend though? Why does she think he's punishing her? For what? And how? He only punished her once when she pretended to be sick. Oh, no. Don't think about _that_ now. Sheldon forces the image of Amy lying across his lap out if his mind. Unsuccessfully though. Oh, drat! He really doesn't want to think about the whole intimacy issue. That's a bottomless pit, that's for sure. Deal with that later, he commands himself.

Where was he? Sheldon tries to understand the meaning of what she said: "I've wasted years with you! Just to get punished and ridiculed by you!". When he can't find the reason for her indictment he begins to rewind his perfect memory to all the dates, to all the conversations they had over the years. He recalls all the times they were so happy, when he was happy like never before in his life. He goes back to the moments when he just looked at her while she was reading something biology related with the most concentrated face and he remembers the warm fuzzy feeling in his belly. Why did she blame him today for admiring only her intellect? What is wrong with that? He thinks back to the first months after they met and how astounded he was by her brilliance. He never thought it would be possible to meet someone as smart as himself and yet here she was. A living being! Just like him! How wonderful! Why she dedicates her genius mind on yucky squishy things is still a mystery to him though. If she would've chosen physics instead they could _easily_ discover any secret of the universe together. Including stupid string theory!

With that thought however, other memories start to pop up in Sheldon's mind. Memories where he made fun of her profession, where he didn't pay attention to what she was saying, where he belittled her accomplishments. He starts to feel alarmingly unsettled by this, but the flashbacks keep coming unwanted. He's remembering the many times when he made it perfectly clear that he has no interest in things she wants to do. When he ignored her wishes. When he was mean and pushed her away because he felt uncomfortable with the nearness of her. When was the last time he actually said something nice to her, when _did_ he something nice for her? Just to make _her_ happy? He kissed her. But that also made him happy, so that probably doesn't count.

The nausea creeps up again and Sheldon goes to the bathroom, splashing cold water in his face. When he looks up at the mirror he doesn't like what he sees. What kind of a man is he really? Why would someone treat the person you're... _fond_ of the most so badly? Even now? _Still _unable to form the words in his head? Coward. What is wrong with him? It's a wonder she hasn't broken up with him yet. With this unnerving realization Sheldon recalls his life before he met Amy. There's no denying that he was perfectly at ease with everything and most importantly with himself. Could he feel like that again if she wouldn't be his girlfriend anymore? The simple answer comes immediately. No. He couldn't. He doesn't want to. Things are better with her. How? He has no idea yet but he knows it's true anyway. He doesn't want Amy to leave. Even more so, the thought of being without her scares him. He thinks about all the other horrendous things they've reproached each other with, which he even hasn't fully processed yet. He shouldn't have said some of them and definitely not like that. Sheldon feels ashamed of his behavior once again. He doesn't want to be a man who screams at his girlfriend. He doesn't want her to believe he wouldn't care about her at all, when it's actually the opposite. But after everything he did, she's probably already planning to break up with him and if against all odds she isn't yet, she surely will if he doesn't do something. Soon. Like, right now.

"Hi."

"Hi Sheldon."

"Hi..."

Sheldon doesn't know how to tell her what he wants her to know. He feels nervous and he's afraid that the damage done is so severe that it's already too late for apologizing. Nevertheless he's aware that he has to say something. Anything! But before he can, Amy does:

"Sheldon, I'm sorry. What you've said... As much as I hate to admit it, you're not completely wrong. I guess, I somehow got carried away... at times. And I shouldn't have said these things about you being 'annoying' and wishing you'd be 'normal'. I didn't mean it like that."

"...Ok... Good."

"Maybe I sometimes really focus too much on the things we don't have than on what we do."

"Yeah... Maybe."

Sheldon feels better now, only after a few exchanged words. No one is angry, no one is yelling. No one is breaking up! But he's still unsure about the whole situation. He has to come up with a way to let her know that he does care. Amy though, isn't finished yet:

"But it's true that I have changed... Or evolved. Yes, because of Penny and Bernadette and the friendship we have. I never had any people in my life who accepted me like that _and_ liked me. I appreciate that very much and I felt secure enough to open myself to new things. I don't think that's wrong."

"I didn't say, it's wrong... It's just that you and I used to be the same..."

"Sheldon. If you really never wanted to change _anything_ between us, why did you ask me to be your girlfriend in the first place? None of it would have ever happened if you would've done that. Even _you_ knew that it is the most basic concept of a _romantic_ relationship. And even more so, it's a pretty big _romantic_ gesture to interrupt a girl's date with another guy to make her 'his' instead. And yes, I know you asked me with the understanding that 'nothing changes', but be honest, did you really believe that everything would stay exactly the same _forever_? I mean, if everything I want from you is so unbearable, _why_ are you still with me?"

Sheldon knows what she wants to hear. But he just _can't_. This is stupid, he thinks. Didn't he call her to make things right again? Didn't he call to make sure that she wouldn't leave him? He's getting annoyed with himself. Just say something!

"Sheldon? Say something."

"You know _why_."

"No, I clearly don't. As I've told you this morning."

"Please. There's no need for _details_. I wanted you to be my girlfriend because I found the thought of you being with Stuart or any other guy repellent. And yes, I _did_ know that it means that we would be in a _romantic_ relationship. You made it perfectly clear with all the kissing and cuddling and drunken proposals of intercourse, even before we started dating. Can't that be enough?"

"But that's _years_ ago. Since then you have been rarely romantic, even more so, you made me feel stupid for wanting it. You freak out because of the 'L'-word, that by the way I _never_ used. You restrain urges to hug me, like that's some _unacceptable_ desire. You say things to your friends about how _slick_ it is to keep me for yourself locked up in a contract-"

"Amy, stop now. Let's not start with this again. You make me sound like a monster that keeps the princess prisoner in a tower so that the noble knight can't steal her away. You _did_ sign the agreement. We revised it even together. _We're kissing for God's sake! _And all I did mean when I spoke to Raj was, that _neither_ of us is allowed to be with other people. That we're not allowed to _cheat_. Or is that something you want to do? Are you waiting for your prince charming to rescue you from me? The one that would fulfill all your dreams?"

Amy is disturbingly quiet after that. Sheldon thinks, that she must consider this. For real!? Oh no, he lost her. Maybe she already found an acceptable suitor? No, that cannot be!

_"Do you?!"_

"No! Of course not... But for the record: In _my_ fairy tale _you_ are the bright shining knight in white armor who rescued me from a life in loneliness. And _that's _why I have changed the most. Because of _you._"

"I certainly _never_ encouraged you to change for me."

"No. But meeting you and being your friend and then girlfriend showed me that I actually could be happy. That I don't have to live and die alone, because nobody would ever care enough for me."

That's so nice! Sheldon can't help but smile and then he becomes aware of the warm tingling waves that wander through his body. It's a little distracting that she has so much power over him and his body. But better not to say anything about that. Keep the peace! He should say something though, he realizes. Something equally nice. That he feels the same? Yes! That's _the_ opportunity to tell her how much he cares. Sheldon wants to, he _really_ does, however he still can't form the words. Better start with something simple then.

"Sheldon?"

"I guess... You're welcome?"

"You're an idiot."

Why now? While he immediately starts to think about a way to smoothen things again, she continues:

"Why can't you just say what you feel for me? You have no problems whatsoever to tell me what you _don't_ like. Apparently a lot by the way. Why are you still with me? Why do you still want me to be your girlfriend?"

"Amy. Please."

"No Sheldon. I won't let this go now. I know you hate talking about feelings, because you're 'not a hippie', but surely you can understand that the exception should be your girlfriend. And it's not even true that you don't talk about them. You never hesitate to express your love for all your precious comic books, movies, games and whatnot. Even for Leonard. A person! I get that it's not the same but nevertheless. You also have no problems to tell what you hate. I think you used the word "hate" a lot more often than the word "love" since I've known you and that's kind of sad."

"That's only because there are so much more things worth to hate than to love. And that's not sad it's just true... And by the way, you never said what you feel for me either."

"Ehm..."

"So stop bugging me."

"You're right. I never said but just because I knew you would run away and you did-"

"We're not going to talk about that again. Ok?"

"Ok. But you kinda did."

"Amy!"

"Alright! However, the difference clearly is that even though I haven't used the words you knew anyway. Obviously because _I_ am a good girlfriend who behaves like a person who actually wants to be with her significant other. Unlike _you_."

"Oh dear Lord."

"Don't call for a made up deity, just say what you honestly feel for me... I don't bite, you know?"

Sheldon is at a loss for words once more. She has a point, he understands that. He feels sick in his stomach now. His hands are sweaty and his heart beats fast... Too fast... He feels another panic attack coming. It's getting more and more difficult to breathe.

"Sheldon? Are you ok?"

"Nooo... I don't feel so good suddenly... I can't... breathe..."

"Sheldon, please relax. Bend your head down and just breathe in... and out... Yes, that's good."

Sheldon does as told and after a few more moments he starts to feel calmer again. What is going here? Why is his body betraying him like this? Didn't he spent the whole day forcing himself to acknowledge all his feelings and wrongdoings? Shouldn't his body _reward_ him instead of failing him so again?

"You're feeling better?"

"Yes, thanks."

"Good."

No one says anything for a minute or two. Sheldon thinks about what she said. It's true that he has no problems when it comes to express what he likes or dislikes, but to tell _her_ what he feels that's causing a heart disease. What's wrong with him? Why can't he just say something? He should though. He _really_ should.

"Amy?"

"Yes?"

"Ehm... I... just want to say... that... ehm... What I mean is, that... you know... I... really felt bad about what happened earlier."

"Me too."

"No, you don't understand. I felt _really_ bad about it."

"I do understand. I also felt really bad about it."

"No. I _mean_, that I really felt very, _very_ bad about it."

"Ok... I don't understand. Are you trying to tell me something?"

"Yes! _That I felt really very bad."_

"Sheldon..."

He sighs. She just wouldn't understand what he's trying to say here and now she's starting to sound annoyed again.

"What I mean is, that I felt _so_ bad that... I _cried_."

"_You really did? _Why?"

"I did... Because of you... Because of what we've said to each other."

"Oh. I cried about that too... But I guess that's not as surprising."

"No. It's not. You cry a lot."

"Sheldon."

"Sorry. I'm also sorry for yelling at you. I shouldn't have done that. I was mean to you and I apologize. I sincerely hope that I won't do that again... ever."

"I'm sorry too. I wasn't really nice either."

"No, but that's ok, I... ehm... I kind of... deserved it."

"I wouldn't say-"

"No, I did. I know it... You're not wrong with what you've said as well. I shouldn't have said those things to Stuart and Raj... And the things when we last saw each other in your apartment... I don't know why I did... I don't know why _everything_ is so difficult for me... And I'm aware that I might... not have been... What I mean is that I'm sorry... for _everything_... I... I don't want you to be unhappy because of me... And I'm sorry that you are... I hope though... that you consider... to stay with me anyway."

It's no overstatement to declare this the most difficult sentence Sheldon ever managed to say in his whole life! He hopes that Amy at last understood what he tried to make clear with all this stuttering here. When she does answer, he can hear in her voice that she is not unhappy about the things he just confessed. At least the heart attack he suffered through seemed to be worth it, Sheldon thinks relieved.

"OH!... Of course I'll stay with you... I _do _hope though, that things will be different from now on. You know, I don't think that we can go on like we used to. I'm not going to put up with everything you do or say anymore. I did that _far_ too long."

"I know. And I promise I'll try... But I honestly don't know if I can be the perfect boyfriend you want to have. I don't know if I really want to get married and have children and the whole living in eternal bliss thing. I mean, _maybe_, but I can't promise any of that."

"Forget that. I've been thinking about that a lot today. And I'm aware now that I might have been a little ignorant myself. I don't want you to change into someone you're not... We can be happy just the way we are... Quirks and all, you know?"

"I do. Thank you. That's a relieve, I have to admit."

"Good. Nevertheless, I'm not saying that I wouldn't appreciate some... ehm... _improvements_ though."

"I know that. But you have to stop pressuring me too much in _that_ area."

"I know. And _I'll _try not to do that anymore."

"... So... All is good?"

"Yes, I think so... I feel better now."

"Me too... Really A LOT."

Which is so true. Sheldon feels extremely unburdened now. Oh, thank the Lord! Or whoever or whatever... But he also realizes that he's very tired and just wants to sleep.

"Amy? I'm really tired now and I think I just want to go to bed... even though I basically just got up."

"You did? I'm still in bed. I slept a lot though. Crying is pretty exhausting."

"Tell me about it..."

"But you still haven't said anything about the nature of your feelings for me."

"Amy! You can't be serious now! It's _implied_ in what I just told you. Didn't you get that?!"

"I'm just saying..."

"Don't push it."

"Alright. I'm sorry... Sort of ... But just that you know, Leonard showed me your screensaver."

"HE WHAT?!"

"Sleep tight, Sheldon."

"What-"

She hung up leaving Sheldon dumbfounded. After a few moments when his brain starts working again, he finds himself getting angry. Not at Amy for a change, but at his so called friends. Why can't they keep their mouths shut? Most fights he and Amy had over the last weeks would never happened if it weren't for them. It's all their fault! Always blabbing about stuff they have no business with. Sheldon decides that something needs to be done about that. And the thought about sleeping right away is forgotten and instead he opens his notebook.

* * *

**DAY 39**

When Sheldon wakes up the next day he is feeling pretty good. For the first time since he left he had a wonderful relaxing and, most importantly, complete REM cycle. He feels rested and happy. It seems like forever when he last felt like that. He is so glad that things with Amy are finally better now. He looks at his watch and realizes that it's quite late. Yet, since he has no schedule anymore it's not bothering him. His good mood makes him jump out of bed, he takes a shower and goes out to find a nice place for breakfast. After walking around the streets for some time he comes across a cafe where they serve typical breakfast dishes from all over the world. Sheldon recognizes that he's really in an adventurous frame of mind today and without hesitation goes in. While eating something incredibly delicious he has never tasted before, he thinks it would be a great idea to do only new things for the whole day. How exciting! _How brave! _He takes out his phone right away to call Amy and to tell her about his bold plan but then he sees that he already got a message from her earlier this morning.

"Hi Sheldon. I know it's early and I just wanted to let you know that I'll be very busy with work. I have_ a lot _of catching up to do. So I thought, it would be better if we don't talk in the next days. Maybe we could text or email each other instead, like we used to? Please let me know if you're okay with that. Have a nice day."

Hmm, is he ok with that? He wonders. He's a little disappointed that he couldn't tell her about his new found faible for everything new. But on the other hand, maybe communicating electronically is not a bad idea. He loves her voice but this way they also could avoid any other revelations that seem to come up in an alarming frequency whenever they speak and Sheldon is just not up for another round of digging in the deep of his own emotions after he barely survived the last one. So he sends her a quick text that he agrees to her proposal and decides to write her about his adventures today in the evening. With that he pays and leaves into the great unknown...


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note: **Thank you for reading and for the kind reviews! I can't tell you how motivating and reassuring they are! :-)

I hope you'll like this chapter. I always thought that the writers missed a great opportunity with something they brought up a while ago, which they then sadly just ignored. So I thought, it would be a good idea to bring that up.

Please let me know what you think. Thank you!

* * *

**CHAPTER 7**

**DAY 44**

The first days after their last phone call went by really fast. Amy was glad that Sheldon agreed to keep their communications limited to written messages. She suggested it not only because she really had some work to catch up with, but mostly because she was just so afraid that something might ruin the peace they've found again after Sheldon called her later that day. Besides, if she's honest, she just needed a break from exhausting conversations that would turn everything upside down and back again. She _really_ hopes that there are no other deep hidden issues that all of a sudden mess everything up once more.

She doesn't regret these candid conversations though. She concluded that, as horrible and hurtful it was, in the end all the things that have been said where actually quite enlightening. Amy's sure, they've finally reached a turning point in their relationship. Yes, he didn't confess his "undying love" for her but she knows she can't really expect that from him. It's still Sheldon after all. But it was, as he pointed out, implied in what he said. He cried because of her... Oh, how cute! she thinks with a bright smile. Anyway, for her this day will be forever remembered as the day Sheldon decided that she was more important than his ego. Who ever thought that this would even be possible?!

On that said day, which Amy spent entirely in bed, she thought about every word that they've exchanged. Just like Sheldon did many miles apart from her. She felt that at last she understands now to a certain degree why he's always so hesitant to move forward and why he stayed so frustratingly distant. Besides of his fear of germs and aversion to general human contact that is. He felt _insecure_. She _never_ suspected that. Well, Sheldon probably didn't either. Amy became aware that she was so busy with her own fears and insecurities that she never even bothered to consider that he might have some himself. She really shouldn't have said some of the things, Amy realized. She felt a guilty, that she indeed was embarrassed by him at times. And annoyed. And frustrated. How often did she point out to him, that his behavior is not acceptable and how often did he actually listen? Quite often, she discovered. He even went to Arthur that one evening to apologize for being annoying. Of course he must believe, that she wants to change him into being a "normal" person that fulfills every stupid social convention. To make real "boyfriend material" out of him, just like Bernadette said on the train on Valentine's Day. That's a pretty unsettling discovery, she admitted to herself.

When did she start to care about things like that? She used to be socially inept herself for the majority of her life and in some ways she still is. So how could she become so disturbingly uncomprehending so fast? Not to mention that the reason she fell in love with Sheldon to begin with was the fact that he is so special. While others use this word more or less as an insult, she adored him for being the way he is. So much like her! And then she started to get lost in ideas of wild lovemaking and romantic gestures and a happy married life in a house with children and a picket fence. She even made a four year plan and just assumed that in time he will give in. It's a well established social convention after all and he tends to follow them when one makes it clear that he has to... Like with exchanging gifts... And when he didn't show any signs that he is a willing participant in all this she got angry, annoyed and hurt. With this pretty uncomfortable realization, Amy thought, that maybe she should reevaluate that. Does she need to get married? Does she need to have children, a house with a picket fence to be happy? Or is Sheldon enough? She didn't need long to answer that for herself. He is. He _really_ is. They can be happy just the way they are, she is sure of that.

Granted though, there is a lot of room for improvement. _A lot! _For a start he really needs to be more considerate and less selfish... towards her at least. And he needs to be more affectionate. Not only physically but in his whole demeanor... towards her at least. And above all, she will _not_ die untouched! Intercourse is a must at some point, however long that may take. No pressuring him though, not too much at least. However, she thought and hoped, that with the kissing and touching lately that this might be indeed something he _is _willing to participate in at some point in the hopefully not so distant future... Hoo.

Anyway, from now on, Amy promised to Sheldon and herself, that she won't be that easily bothered anymore as she seems to have been lately. Besides, Amy remembered the conversation she had with Penny after the "table"-incident. Apparently he wanted to make it stop that she has changed him into a more open minded and affectionate person. And last Christmas, didn't Bernadette and Leonard pointed out the huge impact she had on him? How could she have missed, that he already changed so much over the years? All she thought about was that she still leads a virgin life alone and therefore wasn't able to appreciate his efforts. How selfish... and narrow minded. What another uncomfortable realization that is.

However, a week after that day, she's already back on track being a good girlfriend, she thinks relieved. Sheldon seems to try as well. He asks in his emails about her days and questions her about the progress with her study. He appears to be genuinely interested. When she wrote him about a little quarell she had with one of her colleagues that really upset her, he sent her almost an essay describing everything in detail what's superior about her in comparison to that colleague, that he apparently googled, and every other person in general. That made her feel... well, _loved_ and definitely happy.

It's also really fun reading his reports on all the new things he had done lately. She's very proud of him and lets him know repeatedly. Now that she finally became aware of all the progress that he already made mostly unconsciously, she figures that it can only be better when he actually tries on purpose. If he can evolve to a point where he actually likes change, where might that lead them? She can't help but to feel extremely excited by the possibility of _certain_ things to come true that up until now seemed _way_ out of reach. But, she keeps reminding herself, that she shouldn't get carried away too much... again. Just because he suddenly eats stuff from far away places, visits lectures about other sciences (including geology, even though he keeps insisting that it's _not_ a science and he's just there for fun), reads novels that he didn't buy in a comic book store and goes to museums where they show nothing remotely scientific and does countless of other "unsheldonlike" things, all that _doesn't _mean, that he will come home, grab her and _finally_ have his way with her... Hoo.

* * *

**DAY 48**

Amy was so busy at work that she didn't even realize that one and a half weeks have passed. And strangely, she noticed, also almost two weeks since she last heard anything from Penny or Bernadette. She also hadn't seen the guys at Caltech that much and if she did, they were always on the go to some place or occupied with something. Is something going on here? She wonders. She tries to call them but could only leave messages asking for a call-back. But when she didn't get a reply after a few more hours she can't help to get suspicious. What is this about? And weren't they all supposed to meet for dinner today? Why didn't they call her? Are they shunning her?! With that disturbing idea, she grabs her purse and storms out her apartment. They better say it straight to her face!

When Amy comes back home later this evening, all she can think is, that she really shouldn't talk to them ever again. But then she becomes aware, that this is exactly what Sheldon must have thought when he decided to do what he did. And that _cannot_ be. She won't reward his actions with anything remotely resembling agreement. Did he really think he could pull such a thing without her finding out? Sometimes she wonders if he's really _that_ smart. She seriously has to talk to him about that. She sighs in frustration, everything was going so well and then he messes things up again and now she has to prepare herself for another unpleasant conversation. Stupid Sheldon! Angrily she calls him but only got his voicemail. Where is he now? She asks herself, letting out another sigh. It's late and he wrote her earlier that he plans to stay at the hotel this evening. What the hell is going on here?!

"Sheldon. Where are you? Call me as soon as you can."

* * *

**DAY 49**

However, the next day goes by and Sheldon doesn't call. By the afternoon, Amy is sure that he knows something is up and he's just trying to avoid her. Her voice probably gave it away. He's not good in reading people but he sure knows her angry voice by now. Coward! She won't let this go though.

"PICK UP the damn phone! I'll keep calling until you do. I know you are ignoring me on purpose. Let me say just this: UNACCEPTABLE! Call me, you COWARD!"

But Sheldon keeps quiet in hiding and Amy gets more furious with every hour that passes without a word from him. He didn't even texted or emailed her today. That recreant! She keeps pacing through her apartment, thinking that indeed she has the most "special" boyfriend the world has ever seen. What is going on in that "oh so" brilliant mind? How _deluded_ is he that he finds something like that appropriate? He's such an idiot! That's what he is. At almost midnight she decides not to wait for his call and instead to let the idiot know right away in what HUGE trouble he is:

"I want you to know, that I am seriously considering to kill you so you better stay wherever you are hiding! Did you _really_ think the others wouldn't tell me?! So, do I understand correctly, that _after_ that conversation, which I thought was a great breakthrough in our relationship, instead of thinking about how we could benefit from it, like_ I _did, _you_ wrote a set of rules for our friends defining the parameters in which they are allowed to speak to me!? _Forbidding_ them to say _anything_ about you?! ... That really makes me wonder what you're trying to hide from me... But be _assured_, I'll find out... And if it's the _last_ thing I'll _ever_ do!"

With that she throws the phone on the floor, walks into her bedroom, slams the door and falls on the bed. How could he do that? Selfish bastard! Luckily the others weren't trying to ignore her because of Sheldon's new rules but because they were afraid that apparently they unintentionally helped to cause conflict between them. They seemed genuinely concerned about the state of their relationship and just didn't want to contribute anything to what may lead to another falling out or even _much_ worse, a break up. Leonard seemed especially worried when he said that, unlike her, they would have to deal with the consequences of the "Code 25 Cats" to come into operation and that most definitely will be catastrophic. If his reaction was already so extreme all those years ago, after knowing her for only a few months, who knows what the collateral damage will be now when the world has to deal with a heartbroken Sheldon?! Oh, Amy can't help but smile thinking about that first "break up". That was so cute and so Sheldon to get himself surrounded by a clowder of cats just because he missed her so... No! Amy commands herself. He did bad!

Anyway, they apologized for their behavior and Amy said she'd understand. She assured them that there's really no need to be worried, they won't break up. But actually she was just wondering what else they know and not telling her. What is Sheldon hiding? What else could there possibly be? Did he say more mean things about her? No, probably not. Since that phone call once in awhile he would send an email or a text confessing other things he now feels guilty about. In one email he admitted that, when she tried to help him to get over his need for completion, he felt so irritated by the whole thing, that he wished her dead at some point. He apologized for that in many words and wanted to let her know that he would be very, very sad if she would indeed die. She answered that she does find that hurtful but that she forgives him and that it makes her happy that he's being honest with her. So, she figures, that something strange is going on here. If Sheldon would have just called her today she wouldn't be so suspicious. He must fear that somehow she would make him tell her whatever it is that he doesn't want her to know. He's a bad liar. Even if she wouldn't see his twitching face she would hear it in his voice. So while lying on her bed she makes a plan to discover _any_ truth that he is trying to keep from her.

* * *

**DAY 50**

The next day after work Amy starts with the interrogations. She goes to Penny first, since she clearly is the easiest target. Although, she gets nothing out of her. Not a word? How uncharacteristic. Amy's sure though that Penny knows something. It's all in the way she avoids looking at her. She tries to win her over by appealing to her being her "bestie", she surely doesn't want to have any secrets from her? Nevertheless, even though she agrees, Penny somehow manages to get out of that without saying anything revealing about Sheldon. So Amy changes the approach by trying to make her feel guilty, because she and Leonard missed to tell her right away about Sheldon's plan when they found him at the station almost two months ago. Penny though, having already apologized for that many times since then, still keeps resistant. In the end Amy tries her best puppy face and she can see Penny's having a hard time resisting. Maybe she's lucky after all but after a few moments of internally struggling, Penny keeps silent.

This may take longer than she expected, Amy frowns when she leaves.

* * *

**DAY 51**

The following day at the University, her first stop is Raj. Naturally. He's a sucker for all things romantic. With the right approach, he will gladly spill the beans just to help to get her man back in line. However, nothing again. He still feels bad about telling her Sheldon's "slick" comment. Amy tries to assure him that he most definitely shouldn't, that in fact he really _helped_ them to grow as a couple. Raj is tempted, she thinks. She smiles encouraging but instead he just says, that he doesn't really know anything more and that she should just let this go. Sheldon probably didn't do that to hide anything. He just did it because he's the crazy control freak they all know he is, who desperately wants to command everything and everyone, like usual.

Disappointed Amy gives up and walks back to her lab. For the next hours she just keeps trying to get some work done but it's all in vain. Maybe she should go and see Howard or Leonard. She doesn't have much hope in Leonard though. Not after what he said three days ago and besides, he is Sheldon's best friend and his loyalty lies with him and not her. But Howard is another story. Sure, he and Sheldon get along better since their trip to Texas, but he might still feel enough resentment towards Sheldon to openly provide information. With that she makes her way through the halls to Howard's lab. He doesn't seem surprised to see her. Maybe he spoke to Raj? Before she can start with her questions though, he says that he doesn't know anything about Sheldon and _if_ he did, Bernadette forbid him to tell her anyway. Amy tries one last, admittedly pretty low, move to get him to open up. She wouldn't tell Bernadette, no one would've to know that he spoke with her. Doesn't he remember how often Sheldon made fun of him and his mediocre masters degree? Ahh, the moment she says it, she knows she lost Howard. Mediocre. That was really stupid, she thinks. She apologizes half heartedly and leaves his lab quickly.

How frustrating this whole day turned out to be. And no need to bother with Bernadette, Amy thinks. How did Bernadette know... Oh sure, Penny must have called her after she saw her yesterday. Damn! This constant sharing of _everything_ with _everybody_ really is extremely irritating! Maybe Sheldon even has a point. Oh no! Don't give in, Amy thinks. He did bad, really bad!

After a few more attempts of questioning and even begging for any information, Amy got nothing. Although she knows, there must be _something_ as much much as they assured her that there isn't. What is going on here? Amy is beyond curious now and still no word from Sheldon. He's probably threatening them with something unthinkable, she thinks derisively. But he won't get away with this, she promises herself.

"Hi. I'm just calling to inform you, that if you're hoping that I will eventually forget and forgive, you're very much mistaken. I won't and even more so... _I am on to you. _One of these days I will discover your deepest and darkest secrets. So you better get prepared... Oh, by the way, your ongoing silence is clearly a violation of the Relationship Agreement so I'm giving you a strike. And another one for your stupid new rules. And another one for... well, you being you. So that makes three strikes and I will send you an online test that you'll have to pass _with honors_. The topic is naturally 'How To Be A Good Boyfriend' and maybe you'll find a book or you can google it since _obviously_ you know _nothing_ about that... Bye Sheldon, and sleep tight... If you can."

Ok, that was mean, Amy figures. But she can't bring herself to feel guilty, he deserves to be tortured. Also, she feels a lot better now and with that she falls asleep dreaming about hunting Sheldon down...

* * *

**DAY 54**

The last few days went by and even though Amy tried _everything_, she just couldn't find _anything_ that would bring light into this peculiar situation and she started to feel discouraged. While she walks over to the university's cafeteria and goes over this for the umpteenth time she feels more and more confused about all this. Maybe there really is nothing to find? Maybe Sheldon doesn't have any deep dark secrets after all? But why wouldn't he call then and just sent a short text that he accepts the strikes and awaits the test. That was _pretty_ uncharacteristic of him. So he must feel bad about the whole thing. It's so frustrating! And _then_ something completely unexpected happens...

Amy arrives early from work this day. She still can't believe her luck. Karma really is a bitch, she thinks happily. Oh the delight! Oh the horror Sheldon will feel when he finds out that he has been made! This is all too good to be true. He will fight like never before to disparage this as utter nonsense and as a lie and whatnot. But after her enlightening encounter she called Penny and this time she finally talked. Even more so, she provided more insight in this surprising occurrence. There's _no way_ he can get out of this. Amy just won't let him and she just can't wait any longer to share these _most_ exciting news with the man himself. Not unexpected she only can leave a message.

"So, you're probably happy to know that the others were disturbingly reluctant to tell me anything. But sometimes the truth is literally just around the corner... in the person of Barry Kripke and what a chitty chatty man that is... You can imagine, that I didn't expect _this_... Sooo, why don't you call me and we talk about_ 'all the laid' _that we're getting? And don't think you can deny it, Penny already confirmed that it's true... Oh, and YES, I'm just _beyond_ delighted about this. So brave up, Cuddles, and _call me._"


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Note: **Thank you for reading!

I'm still trying to keep them IC, especially Sheldon, but things have to move forward. Besides, we don't know how he will be when he comes back. I'm just assuming that he will make some progress in regards to accept certain things when it comes to Amy ;-)

I hope you'll like this chapter.

* * *

**CHAPTER 8**

**DAY 55**

OH THE HORROR! The embarrassment! The degradation! Sheldon is beyond horrified since he heard her message the night before. He didn't sleep at all. Amy will never ever let this go. This is her dream come true. No wonder she's so delighted! How did this old story come up all of a sudden? Just to kick him in his ass! What has he done to deserve this? He basically just declared his... whatever... love or something... for her, so why does he have to suffer through this nightmare now?!

Sheldon is still in bed, tossing and turning when he remembers the specifics of that unfortunate encounter with Kripke. What did he say to him? Oh boy... Something about giving it to Amy well on a nightly basis... He feels strange in his stomach by thinking about it, by _imagining_ it. He gets angry and frustrated with himself but mostly with the nether parts of him. Stupid, stupid, stupid! His _brain_ is in control of everything and not his... Stupid, stupid, stupid! Sheldon gets up and takes a long cold shower. He has to think straight if he wants to come up with a plan before talking to Amy. There _must_ be a solution. There _must_ be a way out. He will under no circumstances admit that he _might_ have thought about having sex with her. Ever!

* * *

**DAY 58**

For the next couple of days he just can't collect enough courage to call her. He finds that pretty unsettling and he is aware that he's probably in more trouble with each day that he keeps silent. What's going on in his brilliant mind that he just can't find a way to end this disaster before it becomes utterly catastrophic? Well, obviously because his usual defense mode, being mean to Amy, doesn't work anymore after everything that happened between them in the last two months. What a mess! Again!

How he hates Kripke! What was he thinking though? Sheldon wonders. Why did he let him believe all these things and why did he tell Penny and Leonard about it afterwards? If _he_ could've kept _his_ mouth shut, he could just deny everything and accuse Kripke of lying. But now he doesn't know what to do at all. So he's spending the days with walking around aimlessly and thinking desperately of a way to handle this situation that doesn't include having to confess that he might feel anything that's remotely semblant to physical attraction towards her. _"But"_, a small voice in the back of his mind argues, _"what is the big deal?" _Really!? A lot! Sheldon shuts this annoying voice out and tries to concentrate on the 'real' problem here. Amy just cannot know... _things_... Things he dreams about... Things he _thinks_ about... Stupid, stupid, stupid! And furthermore: No! No! No! He will never ever admit any of this to her. _"Why?"_... Why?! WHY?! Sheldon's sure now that his brain gave up working properly with these unacceptable thoughts that keep invading his mind.

Sheldon remembers though, that he already told her during the Dungeons and Dragons game night, that he hasn't ruled it out. Oh no, don't think about _that_ now, he begs his mind. What a dimwitted idea that was, having sex in the game. What on earth was he thinking when _he_ suggested it?! Not much, that's for sure... But his brain isn't his best friend these days and naturally the contents of their game come back to him in all their explicit splendor. Although, if he's honest, they aren't really unpleasant memories. He doesn't know why he kept rolling the dice that evening, he had no clue what pips meant what with _that_ kind of game, but it felt more controlled that way. She seemed to enjoy it as well, he remembers how her breathing changed and the way she looked at him with somewhat darker eyes as they moved things forward. He found that very_, very_ fascinating and when they finished he couldn't get fast enough to the bathroom.

_However_, except for kissing her months later, Sheldon hasn't done anything to confirm his statement about not having ruled it out to be true. So of course she's surprised to find out now that he already told other people about their 'sex life'. He also recalls that shortly afterwards he wanted to tell her about this but he chickend out. What would she think of him, that he not only lied to Kripke but that he exposed her like that? He worried that she would be angry. No, worse, that she would misinterpret it as a green light to start seducing him with her superior knowledge of brain functions, like she did when she successfully hightened his feelings for her. That vixen! God only knows, if he would have been able to resist. So, Sheldon concludes, it was perfectly reasonable to keep that from her. _For self protection. _

Anyhow, he decides that it's time to face her, so to speak, he can't hide forever and maybe it won't be that bad after all. It surely can't be as awful as some of the conversations they had lately. While making himself comfortable on the bed, he thinks, that it's a good thing that somehow during his absence they avoided video chatting. Seeing her face... that cute... No! Stay firm and get it over with! With these last reassuring thoughts he dials her number.

"Hi Amy."

"_Hello _Sheldon. I'm glad you finally had the guts to call."

Her voice is different, it's distracting. Sheldon tries to find a word for it. Smug. Yes that's it. She already enjoys this way too much and he starts to feel enormously nervous. What now? Before he can come up with anything fitting to say, Amy does:

"So, isn't there something you'd like to tell me?"

"Ehm... Not really."

"You know there is _no way in hell _that I'll let that go."

"Yeah, I know..."

"So?"

"Ok, ok. You remember when I was forced to work with Kripke and his paper was much better than mine?"

"Yes, of course."

"Well, knowing my intellectual superiority above his, he knew there must be a reason for my unsatisfactory performance... He thought it's you."

"Why me?"

"Because you're my girlfriend."

"So?"

Sheldon is getting a little annoyed when he realizes that Amy is making no effort to make this easy for him. But what to do? Start a fight? Hang up? No, Sheldon thinks, that's not an option. With that he sighs in depressing acknowledgment that he can't run away from this without risking that things get ugly again.

"Well, like all the other primates that occupy this planet, he is obsessed with sex. And because I have a girlfriend he just assumed that I'm having it."

"Why didn't you correct him? You _never_ pass on an opportunity to make clear _how much_ you are above these primitive urges that the rest of us suffer from. As I recall, you find the very notion ridiculous and offputting."

"Ehm..."

"I'm waiting..."

"It just seemed easier to let him believe it."

"Ok, maybe. But that doesn't explain, why he apparently has _detailed_ knowledge about our 'sex life'. What _exactly_ have you told him?"

Why, oh why does he deserve such torture? Sheldon really does _not_ want to answer this particular question. There is no way he will mention the mushing of their bathing suit areas.

"Sheldon?"

"I don't remember?"

"That's just pathetic."

"I know..."

"Maybe it'll help if you'd think about the _magical mushing of our-_"

"Alright! Alright! I remember... But if he already told you everything, what else do you want me to say?"

"I'd like to know, why you did tell him these things in the first place. And by the way, obviously you were _very_ convincing. So... So much for you not being able to lie."

Yes, Sheldon realized a while ago that he is indeed able to lie without his face giving it away. He kind of hoped that no one else would though. But why would Amy know about this to begin with? Why would Kripke tell her after all this time?

"How come that you know about this anyway?"

"I ran into Kripke on my way to the cafeteria and he asked when you'll be back. When I said that I don't know he said that he would _love_ to fill in for you since I must feel very _frustrated_ without you. I answered that I have no idea what he thinks he can fill in for. And then he said, that _his_ genitals are also very enjoyable. As you can imagine, I was _quite_ surprised and shocked and said that I really don't know why he would say such a ridiculous and inappropriate thing. And then he told me all about _'all the laid' _that you're giving to me _every_ night."

"Amy!"

"Don't sound so indignant. I am quoting _you!"_

This is without a doubt one of the most humiliating situations Sheldon ever had to suffer through. He's not sitting comfortably on his bed anymore, he has his legs bent, his right arm is clutching his knees tightly and his head's resting on them, he has his eyes closed and his left hand hurts because he's clutching the phone too strongly. He's just _horrified_ by Amy's words.

"Oh Lord... Did he really say that?"

"Yes."

"That man has no sense of decency!"

"Look who's talking..."

"I forbid you to have any contact with him! I'll write him a notice right away."

"You can't forbid me to do anything. And more importantly, from what I've seen, your 'notice' will only motivate him more. He really doesn't like you."

"Because he's jealous."

"Clearly. That's what I told him as well."

"You did?"

"Of course. I told him that he must be delusional if he thinks that it would even be possible that I would trade you for a lesser creature like him."

Oh, that's wonderful, Sheldon's feeling instantly better imagining Kripke getting humiliated by his lovely Amy! He lifts his head and straightens up again with a big grin on his face.

"Oh brilliant! I wish I could've seen it. What did he say?"

"He started to point out everything that he thinks is irritating about you, but I told him that I find these your most endearing qualities. I also said, that not for the life of me, could I ever find such a small man attractive who isn't even half as smart and handsome as my great Dr. Sheldon Cooper. That shut him up and he left mumbling something about how life isn't fair."

Sheldon is delighted now! That cretin got what he deserved! Hitting on his Amy behind his back. How dare he! He needs to be punished for that. He needs to be _punched!_ In the face! HARD!

"Thank you, Amy. For defending me and my honor."

"Something you failed to do when you made up these stories about having wild sex with me. He wouldn't even noticed me if you wouldn't have done that."

Oh yes. _That_... He feels uneasy again.

"I would also like to know why you didn't tell me about this but Penny and Leonard. Why did you tell them much sooner that you're working on _it_ before you told me?"

"Ehm..."

"Why did you and why did you let Kripke believe this to begin with? You still haven't answered my question. Why all the details?"

"I don't know... Please Amy. I'm sorry. Ok? Can't we just forget it?"

Amy doesn't say anything for a few moments. Oh please, let this be over! Sheldon hopes, no prays to the deity he doesn't believe in.

"No. We can't just forget it. And I am going to make an assumption now and I don't want you to instantly dismiss it. I know you'll want to. But let's just try, ok?"

Sheldon is very relieved that apparently she doesn't force him any further into confessing details. But then he wonders, what could Amy possibly assume? That can't be something good, can it? He feels anxiety rising once more. What will come _now?_

"Could it be, that you _liked_ that he thought we're having sex? I am sure you could have come up with another plausible subterfuge. I also remember my first day at Caltech when you came over to our table at lunch. You were practically bragging about us being in a physical relationship with all the hand holding and hugging even on hot days. And I know that you called Stephen Hawking and told him proudly, that you're kissing girls now- "

"Oh my... I did? How do you know?"

"Howard still is in contact with people of Hawkings team. Anyway, now that I think about it, it's also _you_ who brought up sex at various completely unrelated instances. Like when I suggested a walk and you accused me that 'everything is always sex with you'. Did you _really_ believe that I planned having coitus in a public park?! Or when I apparently wasn't supportive enough of your May the 4th activities, you even _threatened_ to withhold sex if we had it... The question is, where does all that come from?"

"Eehhmmm..."

"So my conclusion is: You think about sex _a lot_, don't you? And that means, that it's really not only _me_ who wants to get physical but _you_ as well. So much so, that you're _talking big _about the progress we're making."

"Oh God..."

"I also suspect that you can't deny the fact that your baser urges are kicking in after years, no decades, of supressing them, can you? You're just desperate to keep controlling it, like with only kissing me on Date Nights."

"Amy..."

"Tell me, Sheldon. How is that working for you?... Do you ever dream about me? Do you find me pretty?"

"I want to die... right NOW!"

"Did you like the schoolgirl outfit?"

"Amy... _Please don't go there..._"

"Do you ever touch-"

"JUST SHUT UP! And STOP giggling!"

Sheldon is petrified now while Amy is still immensely enjoying the whole disastrous situation. What can he possibly say now? Can he really deny any truth in that? Does he want to? Sheldon is lost. A few moments pass before Amy speaks again.

"Do you admit that I'm correct?"

"Nooo..."

"That didn't sound very convincing."

"Can we _please_ talk about something else now? I didn't even had the chance to tell you about my latest experiences on my trip. I have visited some really exciting places."

"Alright. But just to be clear: You can save all the usual dismissive comments regarding the physical side of our relationship from now on. You know, just _talk_ to me. Ok?"

"Ok."

"No need to sound so devastated, Sheldon. All is good, really. I am _happy_ that we had this conversation."

"_Of course _you are. You witnessed and caused my defeat."

"Sheldon..."

"Sorry."

"You don't need to be nervous. I don't want to have sex _right now._"

Really? Sheldon is suddenly all ears. He somewhat expected her to already set a date for finally "doing the deed".

"You don't?"

"No, of course not. We _just_ started kissing. I don't want to jump from there to the... 'finish line', so to speak. We have a _long_ way to go before we get to that. Besides, I am nervous as well."

"You are? Why?"

"Because I know nothing except the basic facts."

"Well, I guess it's a good thing then that I don't know anything either."

"Yes, it actually is."

"So no jumping at me as soon as I come home?"

"No. I will 'restrain' myself, I promise."

"You're sure you will be able to do that? You know with you being the moth and me the irresistible blazing fire."

"Yeah, yeah. Keep telling that yourself if it makes you happy."

"It does..."

"Anyway, and as I've said before, I promise I won't pressure you moving forward too fast."

"Good. That's a relief. "

"But no going back either!"

"Alright."

Sheldon thinks that it really wasn't so bad after all. So what, he wants to have a physical relationship with his girlfriend. No big deal! Actually it's kind of relieving to admit that. So maybe all this repressing of certain thoughts and feelings that he spends so much time with isn't necessary anymore. That would be great, he figures. It's kind of exhausting.

"Sheldon?"

"Yes?"

"Is that why you wrote these stupid rules? Or do you have something else to hide?"

"Actually I just wrote them to avoid fights. I didn't even think about that stuff I told Kripke until you left the message."

"Then why didn't you call me earlier?"

"You know... You were so angry and I didn't want to get yelled at again."

"Oh... Because I think I _might_ have gone a _little_ crazy about the whole thing."

"What do you mean?"

"I was so sure that you were trying to hide some dark hidden secrets from me that I interrogated everyone over and over again. Now I think the reason they didn't tell me anything was because they thought I'm frightening... I think someone actually said that."

"Please. What dark hidden secrets could I possibly have?"

"I don't know... I guess, I got paranoid... But you see, that can happen if you do such things without telling me."

"Yeah... In retrospect that might not have been my best idea."

"No. It wasn't."

"Do I still have the strikes? Do you still want me to do that test?"

"No. I think we should forget this. Strikes and all."

"Good."

"I mean we should forget it for good. No more strikes and punishments for violating the Agreement."

"Really?"

"Yes. Why can't we just talk?"

"Hmmm... I suppose we could..."

"Good... Now do you want tell me about your latest adventures?"

"I do but it's late and I'm really tired now."

"Ok. Good night, Sheldon."

"Good night...Wait! Amy?"

"Yes?"

"Ehm... Did you... tell Kripke... you know... that it was all a lie?"

"Why do you even care what that person thinks of you?"

"I don't... But did you?"

"No. Of course I didn't. He still believes that you are a very proficient, whimsical inventive lover."

"Amy!"

"Again, I'm just quoting you."

"Ok, ok... Good night."

"Good night... And _sweet_ dreams."

"Stop that annoying giggling. It's not funny!"

"It kinda is... Maybe we both dream from each other tonight. Wouldn't that be romantic?"

"If you say so."

"Well, I do. Good night Sheldon."

"Good night."

When Sheldon hangs up he feels strangely relieved that Kripke doesn't know that he made everything up and that he is still as untouched as he ever was... Hmmm... It _is_ bugging him somehow. Why? Anyway, it's really good to know that Amy wants to get _there_ slowly as well. Of course, probably not as slow as he would prefer but at least he doesn't have to fear that she will seduce him right away. How would that be? Her seducing him? Would he like that? Why is he thinking about that now? Why is he having these strange feelings again? _"They're not strange, they're natural."_... Shut up! Sheldon orders his brain to keep quiet and stands up, getting ready for bed. It takes a while to stop the images of Amy in that schoolgirl outfit popping up but at last he falls asleep... Only to dream about Amy dressed like that and something confusing about gravity under her skirt...


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's Note: **Thank you for reading and for the reviews! This is the penultimate chapter of this story and I hope you'll like it.

* * *

**CHAPTER 9**

**DAY 59**

Amy feels _great_ when she wakes up. She still can't believe what has happened the evening before. Sheldon admitted that he wants to have sex. Really? _Unbelievable! _Well, he didn't admit it in words so much, he just didn't deny what she concluded. That's ok though. She isn't sure if she even could've handled it if he would have said something like "Amy, I want to sleep with you." or even better "I want to make love to you." HOO! She probably would have lost it right then and there. No, this is much better. Have some dignity, woman! Amy commands herself, but can't stop giggling. While she gets ready for work she remembers that she'll have a busy day and probably won't be able to talk to him much. She figures it might be better to leave him a message before he gets worried again if she doesn't answer her phone. Nothing should disrupt their peace now and ever again!

"Hey, it's still early and I just wanted to let you know that I'll be busy the whole day with my study group preparing the paper we're going to publish. It'll be probably late when I get home. I'll check for messages though and maybe I'll have time to call during breaks... _Aaand_ did you sleep well? Any interesting _dreams_ you want to share?"

Amy just couldn't help herself. Even though she should. It's never good to tease Sheldon especially with such a delicate topic. Anyway, she decides that he just has to deal with it. After all, he did make her the object of imaginary sex stories that he shared with a stranger. A _gentleman_ certainly wouldn't do that. And not a second later her phone beeps with a text from Sheldon, in which he declares that it's "NOT FUNNY!" and that he'll be busy too, but unlike her, with "important" things. There's an interesting lecture with a discussion afterwards where he wants to go to, to "broaden his mind", even though he "obviously" knows everything important already. But maybe he can enlighten one or two of the other guests with his knowledge of all things. He's always having so much fun doing this. He hopes that she can find the strength to get a hold of herself and dedicate her precious mind on her work again. Amy chuckles even more when she's imagining him being all indignant and "so above" this. Even _after_ yesterday. And all these disapproving looks he threw at her whenever she mentioned anything sex related, even _after_ he told Kripke these things... What a hypocrite he really is!

Amy always was unsure if Sheldon found her pretty or if he even cared about appearances at all. He never complimented her, never said anything nice when she wore a new dress or something, just nothing... ever. She didn't mind that much though, she never really cared about dressing up and all these other things most girls and women do for "improving" their looks either. However, after that enlightening encounter with Kripke, she remembered that she discovered that at times the way he looks at her was different somehow. Mostly it was gone after a split second, but once in a while his gaze went all up and down her body. First she thought, that there might be something on her skirt or her cardigan. Although there never was. Still, just the thought of Sheldon actually checking her out was ridiculous. But now she's not so sure. Now she actually believes that this is exactly what he's been doing. Hoo! And with that her mind drifts away to all these mostly way too short moments when Sheldon would look at her fondly with that adorable smile of his. Amy feels the butterflies in her stomach going insane by the thought of Sheldon doing more to her than to just look and smile... HOO! Seriously now! Amy forces herself out of this dreamy and still very illusionary state. She needs to really concentrate on her work and not on providing herself with new sexy Sheldon phantasies!

* * *

**DAY 64**

So the next days Amy kept herself occupied and before she knew it five days have passed with only a few short calls here and there from Sheldon. He's been traveling around with a group of fellow train enthusiasts he met a few days ago. Apparently there are tours one can do on all sorts of vintage trains. So no wonder he's all excited and mostly talked about whatever it is that's so fascinating about trains.

Nevertheless, she misses him incredibly and can't stop asking herself why he wouldn't come back. Late in the evening, after another long day at the lab, while sitting at her desk trying to get some more work done, she wonders if he misses her at all. He's obviously doing a lot better these days and yet he hasn't said anything about coming home. Does he even want to or does he enjoy his new found freedom too much? Would he say if that would be so? What would happen to them if he didn't return? Could he really just leave her here after everything they have been through these last two months?! Was it all for nothing?! And why doesn't he call? He's supposed to be at his hotel by now!

Amy's just about to feel not only lonely and sad, but upset and slightly annoyed by these disturbing thoughts when her phone rings at last. Thank heavens! Her mood instantly lightens up when she sees his name on the display.

"Hi Amy. Sorry that I haven't called sooner. There was just no time really."

"It's ok. Did you have fun on that trip?"

"Yes, thank you. And did you finish the paper?"

"Almost. Just a few more corrections."

"Good."

Hmm, somehow Sheldon doesn't sound right. Oh no, not again! Amy is afraid for a moment that someone told Sheldon something that depressed him. Whoever that was better watch out, she is going to kill him or her!

"Sheldon, are you alright? Did you talk with someone? What did you hear?"

"Yes, I'm okay. No, I didn't hear anything. Don't worry."

Again with the paranoia, Amy thinks. This whole situation is really wearing her down. Luckily their friends weren't mad at her and very understanding when she apologized for her "frightening" behavior after she found out about Sheldon's "new rules". Leonard just tapped her on the back and said, that he figured out _years_ ago that the price one pays when dealing with Sheldon for too long is clearly giving up sanity. She figures that maybe he has a point, even though for different reasons. While Leonard feels better since Sheldon's gone, she feels worse the more time passes with him away... How Sheldon can't see why that would make her the perfect roommate is still beyond her. But better not to mention that, she thinks, ever again!

"Amy?"

"He? Oh... So what's going on?"

"I'm just a little bored that's all."

"Really? I don't think I ever heard you say that, except when we're watching a movie that I chose."

"Because you always pick dramatic and/or romantic chic flicks. Boredom comes naturally with these."

"Unlike with space movies, where you have to keep track of millions of made up species and languages just to be able to follow a simple story?"

"_Anyway_... I was just saying that at this _precise_ moment, I feel a little dreary."

"Isn't there some place interesting you could go to?"

"It's too late and the motel is pretty remote."

"Hmm... We could play a round of counterfactuals. Would you like to?"

"No, thank you. I don't know. I'm just not in the mood."

"Sheldon, why won't you tell me what's really going on. I thought we're honest with each other now?"

"We are. It's just that I'm feeling down somehow."

"Why?"

Amy hears Sheldon sigh before he answers. What is bothering him so much? she wonders. Should she be worried?

"I've just realized that I haven't been trying to solve my problems that much lately. I left to clear my head about a lot of things and I haven't really done that... That's kind of your fault, with you distracting me so much."

"What?!"

"Yes. Instead of dealing with life important decisions that need to be made, I'm dealing with images of you in that godforsaken schoolgirl outfit that keep invading my mind at all inappropriate times. What were you thinking?!"

Amy's mood changes instantaneous. She is delighted! Simply _delighted_. Does Sheldon have a thing for uniforms? Sure he does. He loves the Star Trek uniform as well, she remembers. Maybe she can surprise him in a... hmm... What would he like? Amy wonders.

"Amy?!"

"Oh, yes. I'm here... Well... I don't know what to say... Sorry?"

"You're not sorry."

"Ehm... Well... Ok. I'm not. But that can't be that upsetting, can it? I mean, that happened months ago!"

"But I have an _eidetic_ memory as you should very well know. For me it just happened yesterday... Or right now..."

"Ohhh."

"No. Not "ohhh". And stop giggling. Again, it's not funny!"

Really, Amy thinks, now is _not_ the time to get lost in that. Her boyfriend is clearly upset and she's busy with having _ideas _about uniforms and whatnot. Amy feels a little guilty. Didn't she repeatedly promised not to put any pressure on him again?

"Amy? Are you even listening?"

"What? Oh, yes. Of course."

"Also, I'm kind of over this whole hopping on trains thing."

"You are?"

Oh please come home! Amy hopes, no prays.

"Yes. I realized that trains and stations aren't as fascinating as they used to be. The trip with the vintage trains was fun but the novelty of all this is just gone."

"If being away doesn't help you anymore, you could... you know... come back. You're gone over two months now."

"I know... The time went by really fast though..."

"No, not really. But that's probably because I am here doing nothing extraordinary like you... Just working and thinking and..."

"And?"

"Nothing."

"No, tell me... No more secrets!"

"Is that something we should put in the Relationship Agreement? We can call it 'The Honesty Clause'."

"Good idea! I'll prepare the paperwork."

"No! You can do that later. I mean, just keep figuring out your more pressuring issues and come home."

"Oh, ok."

"You don't sound convinced... Don't you want to come back?"

"No, I do... Eventually... I just need some more time."

"I understand. You should take all the time you need."

"Now _you_ don't sound very convincing."

"No, I mean it. You shouldn't come back if you don't feel ready."

"What is bothering you really?"

"Not bothering... I just... you know... miss you... Don't you miss me?"

Amy's certain, she won't get the answer she hopes for. Sure, Sheldon seems to be more open about his feelings lately but still. He will most likely deny or at least paraphrase it or he tells the truth that he doesn't miss her at all. That thought makes Amy sad, but before she starts to brace hersef for another rejection, he says:

"I do."

_"Really?"_

"Yes of course. But speaking with you helps in a way."

Amy's pretty much dumbfounded by Sheldon's uncharacteristic honesty. But then again, he did confess a lot more during his absence, so to admit that he misses her is in comparison nothing revolutionary.

"I'm glad that you do."

"I know."

"What's your plan for tomorrow?"

"I'll be on the train most of the day. There's a laboratory for particle physics with an accelerator I want to visit."

"Sounds interesting."

"Yes, I'll always wanted to go there, but never had the time... Too busy with getting the Nobel Prize, which I know now was all in vain..."

"Don't say that. If there is someone who can prove string theory it's you."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"No, I mean it. Besides, you're still young, you can find another subject where you can outshine everyone."

"But they won't let me."

Amy can hear in his voice that he's really distressed about this. And who can blame him? All he ever wanted was to solve string theory and get the Nobel Prize for it and now both seem to be completely out of reach. Amy can relate to that. How would she feel if everything she thought to have accomplished in neurobiology would be all of a sudden taken away from her? She would feel devastated.

"Maybe they won't let you at Caltech. There are other institutions though."

"Are you saying that I should leave?"

"I'm saying that it's something you should at least consider. If they don't value your brilliance then maybe it's not the right place for you."

"Hmm... I haven't thought about that much... But I guess, I really should... They certainly don't appreciate me at Caltech as they should. That moron Siebert even called me stupid. Can you believe that!? As a university who prides itself with calling many of the most established scientists its own, they're disturbingly uncomprehending when it comes to me... The most genius of all."

"They most certainly are. It's beyond me why they aren't willing to let you just do whatever you want to work on."

"So what should I do?"

"I can't answer that for you."

"I know... I wish you could though."

Amy hears Sheldon sighing and she just wants to be with him right now and give him at least a consoling hug. She knows he likes those and that they make him feel better, even if he doesn't say it.

"Sheldon, I wish I could help you more. Is there something else? Maybe I can help you with that?"

"Well..."

"Yes?"

"I don't know if I can say it without troubling you."

"Of course you can."

"It's about... my living situation."

"Oh, _that_."

Don't mention moving in! Amy thinks. Whatever he says, however much she thinks it's the perfect solution, just don't say it!

"Leonard suggested that I could move into Penny's apartment so that they can live in mine."

"And you don't want to do that, I guess?"

"No. I live there for a long time now and all my things are there."

"Then don't move."

"But Penny's apartment is too small for two. They will probably move away altogether if I don't let them live in 4A."

"You wouldn't like that either, would you? You'll miss Leonard."

"He's my best friend. I don't like the thought of him being too far away."

"Hmm... I see how this is a complicated situation. Whatever you decide, it's unsatisfactory. You can move in Penny's apartment and be unhappy about that or they move away and you'll be unhappy as well."

"Yes! So you understand I don't want to come back knowing that I have to deal with that."

"I do understand. Why don't you just talk honestly with Leonard? Why don't you explain all that to him? Maybe they can live at Penny's for the time being and when they start looking for a bigger place I'm sure they're willing to find one that's near to you."

"Well, I suppose I could do that. It still means though that a lot will change when I come back."

"Yes. But you moved before when you've been in Germany and when you moved to California. You did that each time all by yourself."

"Yes that's true. I did... And back then I couldn't handle change _at all._ I wasn't the free spirit I am today."

"So you see. It probably won't be that difficult, whatever the outcome."

"I guess, you're right. Thank you for helping me."

"Of course."

They're quiet for a moment and Amy feels pleased with how she handled that. She really tried to help him without helping herself, so to speak.

"How hard was it for you not to say anything about living with me?"

Did he really just say that?! Amy is shocked.

"Not that much actually. You made it perfectly clear that you don't want to. So why should I mention that again? Just to hear once more that it's the most ridiculous idea ever?"

Damn! Why is she still kind of angry about that? Amy wonders. She thought she could accept it, she really did. But why would he even bring that up now?

"I'm sorry about that... I didn't mean it like that."

"What didn't you mean? That living together is ridiculous or the thought of spending our entire lives together?"

"Both. I was angry and overwhelmed by everything. I shouldn't have said it like that."

"So you should've said it just differently?"

"No. I shouldn't have said it at all."

What's going on? Why is Sheldon apologizing for something that he doesn't want to deal with in the first place? Amy feels confused now.

"Is there something you want to say, Sheldon?"

"Well... Yes..."

"So what is it?"

"Can you promise not to overreact?"

"Ookkaayy..."

"I've been thinking that maybe, really, just _maybe_, you moving in with me _at some time _in the future wouldn't be that bad."

"Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Interesting."

Interesting indeed... What is happening here? What happened to Sheldon? Who is this man? Amy is still confused. But _good_ confused. What to say now? Don't frighten him with getting all girly... And stop thinking about redecorating and moving the furniture around! He'll never allow that anyway.

"Well, that's nice to know. When you're ready for that, we can talk about it again."

"Ok. But I still need to find a solution for my professional problem. That's much more urgent."

"It most certainly is. Why don't you just concentrate on that for now? And I promise not to distract you so much anymore."

"There's nothing you can do about that unless you found a way to erase selective parts of my memory."

"I haven't and I most certainly wouldn't do that if I had."

"You just enjoy my suffering..."

"Yeah... I do..."

"Amy!"

"Well, it's true. Besides, I'm thinking about you all the time as well and I still get my work done. So just deal with it."

"Ok, ok... I'm tired now."

"Me too. Goodnight, Sheldon."

"Goodnight, Amy."

He misses her! He wants to live with her! He likes the schoolgirl uniform! Oh, what a wonderful evening this turned out to be, Amy thinks happily right before she finally falls asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note: **I think they now have talked about everything that needed to be said, so that they can live happily ever after... ;-)

I want to thank you all for taking the time to read it and for the reviews, follows and favs. :-)

* * *

**CHAPTER 10**

**DAY 65**

When Sheldon wakes up he's feeling down again. He was in a much better mood after he spoke with Amy yesterday and just before he fell asleep he was thinking about how lucky he was to have her. But now he kind of feels depressed again and he doesn't want to get up yet. Instead he turns the TV on and zaps through the channels while thinking about his situation. When he left Pasadena he was sure his brilliant mind would have solved everything within two weeks and he could've returned home resuming his life in a perfectly controlled environment. But here he still is over two months later and his mind hasn't provided any acceptable solution yet. His mind... Yes, _what_ a letdown. Rather than being obsessed with everything physics related it turned out to be obsessed with everything Amy related. How frustrating that is. Even more frustrating is the fact that he can't bring himself to blame her. He should though, shouldn't he? No, he thinks, it's not her fault that he's as ordinary like any other human being, not able to supress his stupid feelings and more importantly his primal instincts, forgetting everything _'really'_ important in the process. He's just a weak man, powerless to resist her persuasiveness. Before Sheldon can get even more upset about this _bitter_ disappointment, he remembers that he needs to get ready. He has another train to catch. Ugh, how annoying, he thinks.

After taking a quick shower and packing, he leaves the hotel and walks to the station. He still has enough time to get something for lunch and to wander around a little. Soon though he gets bored and just sits down on a bench waiting for the arrival of his train. Sheldon wonders if he shouldn't just go home. He misses it. And he misses his friends and Amy. Mostly Amy. All the time. But no, he thinks while he gets on the train and looks for a suitable place to sit, he can't come back with nothing really solved. First he needs to know what to do with his job and his living condition. What Amy said was a good advice. He should just talk with Leonard about this. How to get back on track winning the Nobel Prize though? Staying at Caltech and work on string theory or leave? Find a new job in the area or some place else? Maybe even leave the States? Could he really do that, he wonders? Oh, there are just too many options. Too many possibilities and no way of knowing what the right decision would be. What if he stays and then misses the crucial time frame of accomplishing something great if he would have left? What if he leaves and then it turned out that he only needed to wait a little more before they'd allowed him to change the subject? Maybe changing the subject is the wrong move? Maybe string theory can be proved after all? Oh, what a nightmare! Sheldon is confused, even lost in all these frightening thoughts and after another two hours of going back and forth considering what feels like millions of choices with millions of outcomes he feels extremely exhausted and just dozes off, without getting anywhere closer to finding a satisfying resolution.

* * *

**DAY 70**

Once again Sheldon sits in a compartment watching the scenery pass by and thinks that the last few days were actually pretty good. The laboratory was exciting and he talked with many physicists there, about their work, about his work, about his situation and even life in general. He was _very_ pleased when he realized that they knew who he was and that some of them actually followed his work. At least _somewhere_ are smart people who appreciate his ingenuity. He spent three days there and when he came back to his hotel on the last evening he realized that he feels much better than a week ago and definitely much better than when he left Pasadena. Without him realizing it consciously, he began to embrace a life in which he enjoys the variety that it offers without feeling threatened by the uncertainty of it. Now while thinking about it he becomes aware that it's not chaotic at all but quite liberating. He can do whatever he wants whenever he wants to. Who knew?!

Well, to be honest, it's still only acceptable as long as he decides what and how things happen. A specific scheduled plan is _never_ a mistake. One needs to know in advance where oneself is getting into. Not that he didn't know before, but that disastrous trip back to the stone age earlier on his trip where he found himself so depressed that he didn't even mind the bugs (the BUGS!) was a lesson well learned. But maybe he could be more open minded about his usual schedule when he gets back? If he would be at least a little, it wouldn't freak him out so badly if it gets disrupted again. And it surely will, with people thinking that it's appropriate to make life altering choices without considering the effects they have on him. So yes, he will reevaluate that, Sheldon decides. Being more flexible is his new rule. Also being a better boyfriend to Amy. To tell her things. Things she likes to hear, not things he likes to tell. Even though these are mostly the same. She loves listening to him and he loves when she does, looking at him with bright and shiny green eyes full of admiration. Hmmm... He loves his eidetic memory in moments like this, it's like she's there when he closes his eyes... Kissing only on Date Nights could be something that needs to be reevaluated as well, he figures. Maybe they should do it everytime they see each other? A goodbye kiss maybe? Only when they're alone of course. Yes, Sheldon thinks that this is indeed a good idea. Amy will be pleased about that. That might also help her to refrain from seducing him. She promised she wouldn't but he doesn't trust her that much when it comes to that. She'll probably parade in front of him in schoolgirl outfits... Maybe he doesn't trust _himself_ that much anymore when it comes to that, he thinks. Really, _so_ weak...

Anyway, back to important things in life. As much as he can tolerate and even appreciate some changes, a few things need to stay _exactly_ as they were. Clean and germ free most importantly. Laundry doesn't necessarily need to be done on Saturdays but it needs to be done the proper way. Presorting and soaking and all. A Saturday morning without an episode of Doctor Who is no Saturday worth getting up at all. The perfect room temperature is undoubtedly 71 degrees. Even though most places he stayed in strangely didn't know. But he kindly advised them, so the following guests will be pleased. A sophisticated bathroom schedule is naturally a given. What is he? One of Amy's primates?! No, most certainly not. And while he's at it, the correct way of doing things is doing them until they are properly finished. Whatever crazy beliefs Amy has in regards to that, he is _not_ one of the lesser beings who start things without having the power of endurance to complete them. Really, what a ludicrous idea that still is... Stopping in the middle of things... The thought makes Sheldon chuckle. People are strange, even Amy sometimes. While he amuses himself about that, he hears the conductor making the announcement that they will arrive at his destination shortly. He has to wait half an hour before his next train leaves and decides to call Amy. Since it's Sunday she will probably be at home.

"Hello Amy. How are you today?"

"Hi Sheldon. I'm good, thank you. And you? How was the physics laboratory?"

"Great! I wish I could work there."

"You do?"

"I just think it would be fun, that's all."

"I see..."

"I also discovered that I do feel a lot better these days about some things."

"Like what?"

"Firstly, I don't miss the comic book store as much as I thought I would. And apparently I can live perfectly without Saturday laundry night. Also it turned out, that I can eat whatever on any given day without ruining my bowel movements. I'm not as disappointed at my mother as I was before. Actually now I think that it's a good thing that she isn't alone anymore. I just hope he treats her better than my father did. But she seemed happy the last time we spoke. Well, at least she said so."

"That's quite the progress you've made."

"Maybe. But I still don't know what to do with my job at Caltech. Do I stay there being forced to work on string theory, which will probably lead to nowhere? Or do I quit and start over somewhere else?"

"Like at the laboratory you visited?"

"I'm just thinking about my options... What do you think?"

"That's really tough. On the one side, I do believe that eventually they will give you the opportunity to change the subject at Caltech. On the other side, you just proved with your journey that you are capable of starting over. I guess you have to decide if there is enough of importance for you in Pasadena to stay here or if a complete new beginning seems more appealing in this situation."

"Yeah... There's still a lot I value back home. My apartment of course... My spot... My office... My friends... as irritating they can be... But right now, being here all on my own, I don't know, somehow makes the prospect of a new start elsewhere quite exciting."

"I see..."

Strange, Sheldon thinks, Amy sounds unhappy somehow. But why? He hasn't said anything that could have possibly upset her. Or has he? No, he's just imagining things. All these fights and "grown up" conversations they had obviously made him overly suspicious.

"And it wouldn't be that difficult when you're with me."

"What?! You want me to come with you?"

"Yes, of course. It's in the Relationship Agreement in the section about professional changes."

"Oh."

"Why? Wouldn't you _want_ to come with me?"

Why is she silent now? Why is this conversation not going as smoothly as he expected? Sheldon starts to get nervous. Doesn't she want to be with him? Would she let him leave? What is going on here?!

"Amy?"

"I'm just a little surprised. I haven't thought about that..."

"Well, what do you think _now_?"

"I don't really know. That would be a _huge_ step. Not only professionally but also for us."

"How so? We already put the eventuality of that scenario in the agreement."

"Yes. But there's a difference between a _theoretical_ scenario and _actually_ doing something like that. I mean, if the situation would be reversed, would you give up your position at Caltech, your life, your routine, to follow _me_?"

"I just spent months abandoning the life I am used to."

"Yes, but in the reverse scenario, it wouldn't be you, it would've been me. You would still be happily living your meticulous scheduled life in Pasadena."

"Oh."

"So _would_ you leave all that behind, for me?"

"Would you still leave if I wouldn't?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

"The real question here is, how important am _I _to you? How _committed_ are you really to me?"

"You sound like that crazy 'psychic' Penny dragged me to..."

"Why? What did she say? You never told me... and interestingly enough neither did Penny."

"Nothing... _really._"

"So?"

Sheldon knows he definitely should say something. Something meaningful and true. How come they're back at talking about his emotions? Although, didn't he just made it his new rule to make Amy happy and to tell her the things she wants to hear? While he still argues with himself, he hears her say

"I see..."

"No, you don't."

"What is it then? Because what I understand is, that you expect me to leave everything behind for you, but you wouldn't do the same for me."

Why is this so damn difficult? Just say something! While Sheldon gives himself a mental pep talk, Amy clearly misinterprets his silence:

"Sheldon, why don't you take some more time to think about that and I'll do the same."

"No."

_"No?"_

"No."

"No to _what_? You don't want to think about it or you wouldn't want to come with me?"

"I would come with you."

_"Really?"_

What? Now she doesn't believe it? What else can she possibly want to hear? Ok, Sheldon knows, but no. No. No. No. He won't allow it. He is NOT a hippie! Despite the evidence of the contrary with all this confessing of all sorts of things lately.

"Why do you sound so surprised?"

"It's just I didn't expect that."

"Why?"

"_Why?_ Well because you never really showed me that I am THAT important. Most of the time you seemed to be annoyed by-"

"I am _not _annoyed by you. And I _never_ said that."

"No you didn't. And I didn't mean _me_ per se, but being in a relationship. You made it perfectly clear on _many_ occasions that you don't appreciate much of the things that come along when one is in a romantic relationship... I mean, I really don't want some grand declaration of love. I know you well enough. But _some_ sign of affection here and there would be nice..."

"And _here_ we are back at our favorite topic. Me being insensible and not romantic enough."

"_Anyway_... But this is why I have troubles to believe that you would give up everything just to be with me."

"But I would."

"Why? How can you say that so confident? Is it because it's only theoretical and you just want me to come with you should you decide to leave Pasadena?"

"That's disheartening that you would say that. Don't you trust me at all?"

"I am just _really_ insecure when it comes to your feelings for me and for us. Can't you see why I would think all that based on past experiences?"

As much as Sheldon hates to acknowledge it, he does understand her. He knows that too often he had been distant at best. And unfortunately Amy apparently isn't even finished yet.

"And what would be, if I would really come with you? What if you then decide some day, that you don't need me for company anymore? That you don't like whatever alteration comes up and somehow you think it's my fault and you dump me again? Like you did when Leonard bought the table. _How_ can you expect me to leave my life behind when I can't be sure that you're really wholeheartedly into this relationship?"

"And _how_ can you say all these things after all the conversations we had in the last weeks? I basically confessed my... I mean, I _cried! _And I told you that I'm not as opposed moving in with you as I used to be. For god's sake Amy, I even admitted that I want to have _sex_ with you!... At some point at least."

"Yes, you did. But I guess, I still have troubles forgetting everything that happened before you left."

"I don't know what I can say that would make you believe me."

"I don't know either. Maybe we really should talk about that at another time. It's not like we have to make a decision right now."

"Yes, I guess, we could... My connection train is leaving in five minutes anyway. I'll call you as soon as I arrive."

"Yes, please do that."

"Bye Amy."

"Bye Sheldon."

* * *

Finally there! Sheldon gets off the train and looks for a cab. It's pretty late now and he really wants to call Amy right away and to solve the tension. He spent the last hours thinking about their earlier phone call and he figured that there's really only one thing he could say that would make her believe him once and for all. So better to get it over with soon. It's disturbing that he's ready to make such a confession _willingly_. What has she done to him? How can it be that even though he hasn't seen her for over two months, he finds himself blabbing about his emotions all the time? But if the last months proved anything then it was, that he feels a lot better when Amy and he get along. Even more so, since he admitted so many things that he _never_ thought he would _ever_ speak about, let alone with her, he feels much more at ease with everything else. Who knew?!

"Amy? Did I wake you?"

"No. Did you arrive? Where are you anyway?"

"I'm in a cab... I thought about what we spoke about earlier and I can see why you wouldn't believe me. So..."

"So?"

"So... Would it help if I _would_ make some 'grand' hippy dippy declaration?"

"It sure wouldn't _hurt_."

"Ok."

_"Ok!?"_

"Yes. _Ok_."

Ok. What now? What to say? Quote from another movie? Sheldon thinks that maybe he should just make it simple. Three little words. Nothing unheard of but still effective.

"Sooo?"

"Let me _think_, ok?!"

"Ok, ok."

No. Simple doesn't do. Sheldon wants this to be grand. Spectacular actually. Maybe even so sensational that he never has to speak about it _ever_ again. That would be indeed great.

"You know, it doesn't have to be _that_ grand."

"Could you just let me THINK!?"

"OK! But DON'T quote from a movie again."

"No I won't._ And please just shut up now!"_

Drat, what would be the right words that would make this spectacular? Maybe he should just go with flow. Be honest, that's all she wants. Oh dear, he thinks, he _is_ a hippie after all... Sheldon leans his head back, closes his eyes, lets out a deep sigh and says:

"Alright, here it is."

"Yeess?"

"Amy. It is very possible that my feelings for you equal what most people would define as one being in... ehm... you know... What I mean is, that I wouldn't necessarily deny the assumption that I'm... in... love with you. And-"

"Ooohhh"

"Will you let me _finish_?"

"Sorry... continue."

"And I don't _ever_ want to be without you, because-"

Sheldon doesn't believe what he's hearing.

"Are you crying?"

"Nooo..."

"Of course you are. What's wrong now?"

"Nothing. Please... go... on!"

"Where was I?... Your weeping is confusing me!"

"You... just ... said... that... you... never... want... to be... without... me..."

"Oh yes... Well, I don't want to, because..."

"... Because?"

"Because... The simple truth is, when I'm with you, I'm happy and without you I'm just not. And... Please Amy. I am _begging_ you. STOP crying!"

"I... can't... I'm just... sooo happy!"

"I should hope so."

"But... please... go... on."

"Ok... Well, I'm aware that I'm not easy to be with and I apologize for not being able to tell or to show you sooner how important you are to me. As much as I hate... no, scratch that... As much as I _dislike_ to admit it, I've been trying to hide my feelings for you for quite some time now... But I know that there is no one else but you for me. You were after all scientifically chosen to be my perfect mate. And you _really_ are... _Please _Amy, stop crying now."

"Ok... I'll try..."

But she just won't stop. The sobbing goes on and on. Sheldon doesn't like the sound, it _really_ does make him feel uncomfortable.

"Try harder."

"Ok... ok... I'm good. Thank you Sheldon. That really was the _most_ beautiful thing I ever imagined you would say to me."

Sheldon feels beyond relieved. He said it. And he said it right! She's happy now. He's happy now. In fact he feels like every burden has been lifted from him. Strange, could it be that the "psychic" was right after all? That all he needed to do was admitting his feelings for Amy? He could have spared himself the last months on the road and an awful lot of money as well. But no, Sheldon decides that this is exactly the way it should be. The cab has arrived at his destination and while he pays he thinks that all is good, _finally_.

"And if you really choose to leave Pasadena, I'll come with you."

"Good."

"But we both have to find suitable positions."

"Of course. I would never expect you to settle for anything less than the best."

"I settled for you."

"My point exactly."

"Will you come home now? You can figure out what to do here as well. I'll help you. _Please?_"

"Yes."

"Good! Should I pick you up from the train station?"

"No, that won't be necessary."

"Oh, ok... But Sheldon?"

"Yes?"

"You better prepare yourself, because when we'll see each other again, I'm going to kiss you and I don't care if it's violating the Relationship Agreement or not."

"Fair warning."

"It's late now, I should get ready for bed. Tomorrow is a busy day. When will you be back?"

"Soon."

"How soon?"

"Sooner than you think."

"What does that mean?"

"Open your door."

"What?"

"Open your door now!"

**The End**


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